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As a Latina living in the United States, I have surpassed many struggles that have greatly impacted my self- identity. I can now clearly understand my struggles as not only a second generation Latina-Americana but also as a woman. I've had never really put in much thoughts into how my gender and ethnicity have played a very significant role on how I have lived my life. To clearly understand one self-identity and self-work one must learn to cope with the pain of having something always holding you back and also fight back to put an end to the oppression.
Therefore, learning about the struggles of others not only as women but also because of their ethnicity, color, and sexual orientation, has made me aware that it's imperative to acknowledge their stories to make others aware that individual's sexual preference, background and origin should never be used as a target to discriminate them.
Throughout this semester, for the most part, I have read multiple chapters and books on the struggles of Chicanas/Mexican women that have to give me a vital and imperative insight to comprehend my own life struggles.
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As a matter a fact I can now see how others stories can relate to my own trajectories and triumphs A magnificent man, activist and Chicano leader once said, 'preservation of one's own culture does not require contempt or disrespect for others cultures' – Cesar Chavez. It is substantial to recognize that every individual is human and not one individual is valued more than others based on their race and culture but far too many times that is not the case.
In my life, I have too struggled with the living as a woman and Latina in the United States. My life struggles can be tremendously relatable and applicable to three concepts that I have learned about throughout Chicana Studies that have helped me understanding how they apply to my testimonio; thus, have also played an imperative role in my growth as an individual. I will discuss the themes/concepts of borderlands, Coyolxauhqui, and Nepantla that can strongly relate to my lived experiences in the United States.
The word borderlands can signify many things but for Anzaldua (1987), she explains that a border can be a physical or state of being, she defines border as 'a vague and underdetermined place created by the emotional residue of an unnatural boundary' (p. 25). Sometimes 'borders' can be physical and psychological too. Anzaldua (1987) brings forward the concept of borderlands in her struggle of not fitting in that the ones that are 'legitimate' are those in power and those that align themselves with the white (p. 26). She was always between the borderlands of oppression due to her color and sexual orientation. In my case, I have always struggled with self-confidence and self-worth, ever since I can remember I have always felt like there was a border between the good-looking/attractive side of the family and myself. Indeed, growing up in a mixed family of Guatemala and Salvadorian has been challenging because the mixture of races have specially placed a border between those family members that both parents are Guatemalan.
To say that not being full breed Guatemalan had caused my self-esteem to be negatively affected by those family members that see me as not belonging to their level of standards. Although the borders are 'non-existence' there is a division of family because we are always excluded from special occasions or places. Especially, when I was younger, many of my cousins would not like to play with me because I was different, out of five siblings I was the only one with curly hair and a full face of freckles. Therefore, I have always felt like there is always a border between those family members and myself. As a child, I was not allowed to visit my grandparents because they never approved of the relationship between my Guatemalan dad and Salvadorian mother. A border does not have to be there physically, a border is those boundaries imposed by my relatives because of the fact that I'm looked upon as an outsider.
One place where borderlands are seen in Chapter two 'Maid in La', Hondagneu-Sotelo (2000) recalls, one of the women she interviewed, shared, 'I never ate with them… I didn't feel I was part of the family, I knew they like me only because of the good work I did; but apart from that, I was just like the gardener, like the pool man, just one more of their staff'(p. 34). In this case, borders were also present and existing because the women never felt like they belonged, although they did not treat them badly, still, there was a border between them and the employer. This recollection of the nanny/housemaid embraced the concept of borderlands not only as a state of being of knowing that you don't belong but also as the emotional residue that is left from the experience. I can strongly relate to this passage, I can remember vividly on one occasion where I attended one of dad's side Aunts wedding where I felt the division. Although, I was much younger I still can recall being seated on the non-side of the family party tables. This was very traumatizing; to this day I always tend to sit as far as possible from my dad's side of the family.
For instance, Maria Malagón also experiences the concept of borderlands. During her youth, she was stuck in the borderlands both at home and at school. She recalls, 'I navigated multiple borderlands: I lived in a working-class neighborhood but attended 'good,' middle-class schools, and in school, I migrated back and forth between regular and honors classes (Calderon, Bernal, Huber, Malagon, and Velez p. 530). Early on in age, she experienced the borders in school and at home because and those experiences, she was able to know her boundaries and was able to understand how she could balance school and establish her resistance as a youth. This concept of 'state of being' where boundaries are placed can relate in a sense when I was young I was able to recognize that there were boundaries between some family members and those from my mom side of the family.
Sometimes it is difficult to understand the reasons behind such implied borders but it imperative to credit those struggles that eventually help shape to bring forth resistance toward those who impose them. Another article that I was able to relate to the borderland concept was ‘Muy Macha': Gender and ideology in gang‐girls' discourse about makeup. Mendoza‐Denton (2010) describes, that 'there are many similarities in general style that the members of both groups have and common signalling devices that they recognize across boundaries' (p.54). Even though the Norteñas and Sureñas shared the same ethnicity still they disagreed on politics on identity, discoursed patterns, and even their success. As Anzaldua (1987) states, 'a border is a dividing line, a narrow strip along a steep edge' (p.25). This is very significant in the fact that although both groups had similarities in their attire, make- up and hair the only thing that divided them was the fact of the location either they were in the north or the south of California.
Furthermore, one experience that drastically shaped my life was the death of my aunt, who took care of me ever since I was born. Coyolxauhqui can be described as the process of healing and putting yourself back together after suffering traumatic even in your life, therefore being able to heal by expressing yourself through words. Author Anzaldua (1987) defines Coyolxauhqui as, 'the process of ‘healing through words' and rejoining severed pieces of ourselves into a whole that make sense (pg. 277). A hardship can be described with the example of a death in the family which I can very much relate to. It was in the Coyolxauhqui state where I was able to heal and gain happiness in my life after the death of my aunt, who was killed on her way to church. I was very close to her; she was like my mother to me. I was angry all the time her death had taken a toll on my everyday life luckily I was able to rejoice my happiness by talking to the pastor in our church. Sometimes it is difficult to understand why such horrible things are happening in your life and many times the only way we can express ourselves is with anger. Not only was I going to counselling to help ease the pain but I founded helpful to write down my thoughts, feelings and emotions on paper.
Coyolxauhqui can be seen as the healing process between the body and the spirit. Calderon (2012) states, that Coyolxauhqui is 'rejoining severed pieces of ourselves' (p517). Lindsay Perez, mentions in her testimonio, 'I began documenting the testimonios of Chicana college students for my dissertation…testimonios revealed the complexities of my identity and oppression that emerged throughout their lives that caused them great pain and trauma… their testimonios were not only stories about sadness and pain but also about resiliency, faith, love, and hope…I found myself sharing with these students my own experiences as mother, daughter and student- not as strategic moves to engender comfort or identification but out of compassion and care' (Calderon, Bernal, Huber, Malagon, and Velez p.529).
Through her research and shared testimonios of her students, Linsey Perez was able to surpass the death of her father. She was able to enter in Coyolxauhqui state in order to heal the tremendous pain of her father's death that was taking a toll on her. Not only, by expressing herself but by bringing forward her grief and sharing her experiences with others gave her the ability to heal. Often times in painful situations we fall apart and aren't able to keep it together, feeling overwhelmed and often times we forget we are humans; therefore, as time passes, I was able learned to put the pieces back together and rejoice once more. I was able to express my feeling to Pastor Martinez, who also shared how he was able to surpass the death of his parents and sister. Through our conversations about the family loss, we were able to find a sense of community/family in our mutual experiences and share with each other how we have dealt with these feelings of loss. I' am very grateful for my Pastor and all he has done for me because with his help I have been able to live a life of joy and love. I will always be grateful for of his words of wisdom and advice he has giving me all these years.
Lastly, another place where the concept of Coyolxauhqui is brought up is in, '¿Soy Punkera, Y Que?” Sexuality, Translocality, and Punk in Los Angeles and Beyond. Habell (2005) recalls, an interview with the working class Chicanas who helped create sound in Los Angeles underground punk subculture, 'they asserted that the visual and sonic language of punk subculture allowed them to express their private rage about restrictions…, violence done to their bodies and their mothers bodies (p. 226)'. These women were able to use music as a tool to express their feelings and oppressions that have traumatically impacted their state of mind.
These Chicana punk singers were able to use the power of words to express their anger and more importunately they were able to bring forward awareness on the indignation of social inequality that they faced. Music made them feel dominant in which they were able to do so with the help of punk style lyrics. Similarly, I found Christian alabanza to be empowering, I was overwhelmed to have learned about the heavy influence of lyrics in my life. I also found it astonishing to see firsthand the effects of words on an individual and the effect it has to heal the wounded soul. I have been in my church's choir for the past 12 years, although I am not a 'talented' singer or even have a strong pitch, but I still manage to sing, with the lyrics of Christian alabanza I'm able to heel the pain of the loss of my loved one. In the Coyolxauhqui state is where I find that writing, counselling, and music have given me the ability to put myself together once more.
Calderon (2012) describes Nepantla as being in the middle in between two worlds and beliefs (pg. 517). An example would be how my mother-in-law wants my daughter to have a baptism through the Catholic church, although I do believe that is important to introduce religion to my child's life, I don't agree that I have to change religions to do that. However, I believe that being Christian I cannot baptize my child because that would be dishonorable in my religion. As a result, I'm in a state of Nepantla because I‘m in the middle of two beliefs which are my mother-in-law's beliefs and my own about how I should raise my child through the Catholic church even though I am a Christian. Azaldua (1987) defines, 'Nepantla … the space between two worlds.'(p. 276). She brings forward the idea of having to be in the mist of two worlds indicating that space/times of great confusion because of the difficulties to decide what is correct to you. This concept brings forward the issue I been having for the past year with my daughter's grandmother, I feel confused on what is best for my child. Ramirez (2002) examined, the 'crimes of fashion' that the Pachuca was blamed for (p.24). The Pachuca was in between two worlds or beliefs because they were seen as 'bad girls' by the white-Anglo American for dressing as the way they did. On the other hand, the belief their attire was to show their masculinity and reject the patriarchal oppression; therefore living in between two beliefs theirs and the Americans.
Journaling played a very vital role in putting myself back together after falling apart due to the pain I had inside me. In writing I could express things that were very difficult for me to say in words, I could express the anger I was feeling without actually screaming, fighting, and or throwing an object at someone. It's always been an issue to attend family gatherings because now that I have a daughter I don't want to impose those boundaries on her but then again I still do. My daughter is very playful and curious and now that she is a toddler she tends to ask questions and I don't like to explain to her the family issues we have and the reasons why we like to keep our distance or mostly why they keep a distance from us. I know that they don't hate me because we still get invited to family events but now that I'm older I still can't comprehend why those boundaries were there in the first place.
My Narratives as a Latina-Americana in United States. (2022, Jan 24). Retrieved from https://studymoose.com/my-narratives-as-a-latina-americana-in-united-states-essay
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