What Love & Logic Means to Effective Parenting
What Love & Logic Means to Effective Parenting
What parents want is to cherish their kids, have fun with them, and enjoy a less stressful family life. There is never a shortage of advice from friends, family and even well-meaning strangers when becoming a parent. Nothing can ever truly prepare parents for the actual experience of raising children. We all want to be great parents and we all want to do the right thing, but in addition to balancing all the advice we’re given against our own upbringing and instincts, we still struggle. As parents we set the rules and expect our children to obey them…. In other words: What I say goes-or else. Previous generations took a much more punitive and fear-based approach to parenting, which feeds the illusion that our parents and grandparents didn’t have to do much to earn respect; it was simply an automatic response by their children.
The truth is much of that discipline was rooted in corporal punishment or fear –inducing experiences that made their children appear to have respect and did indeed impact their behavior. Love and Logic Parenting offers an affective and beneficial way to parenting without resorting to corporal punishment, spanking or hitting our children. It is no longer considered healthy or socially acceptable to paddle children in school, slap children in the face or spank them with a belt when they do something wrong. In fact, those actions are now typically considered child abuse. Respect nowadays needs to be earned through appropriate discipline techniques not fear. By setting clear rules and expectations, explaining the consequences of their actions, and following through and enforcing those consequences fairly and consistently. Modeling, showing a good example, has been proven to affect children positively in every area of life: academic achievement, employment, health habits, peer and romantic relationships, coping, as well as communication and conflict resolution.
And just as modeling good behavior is important, it’s also important for a parent to admit when they have made a mistake, particularly when it comes to their kids. If they see an adult own up to having done something wrong, they, too, will learn to take responsibility when they do something wrong. It may be desirable of parents to hang out with their children or teenagers and be more like friends than parent/child. Being a child’s friend can’t be a priority, our job is to be a good parent! This doesn’t mean that parents can’t enjoy activities and good times with their children, but it does mean that rules need to be made, boundaries set, and consequences enforced. At times, parents may not be the most popular person in the house! Sometimes, what’s right for your child and/or family isn’t what your child wants. When it comes to a parent/child relationship, there is an automatic hierarchy: the parent is in charge. In an actual friendship, both parties ideally get equal say.
But parent‘s aren’t exactly a friend. Parents are guides, leader, instructors and disciplinarians… and when the work is done, and then they can hang out with their children. All parents want a close, good relationship with their children and to enjoy time with them. As parent’s we get to say when, how and what happens. There may come a point, if parents have been dealing with their child’s serious problems for a prolonged period of time, at which they simply give up hope that things can change for the better. If parents are coping with serious issues like substance abuse, mental illness, eating disorders, truancy, aggression or even rebellion, parents may feel like anything and everything in their power to change the situation has been tried. At no time in history have parents been unsure of their parental role, even the best aren’t sure about whether they are using the best techniques. Society has changed; therefore the children of this generation compared to the children of previous generations have changed.
Through the years, parenting styles have changed however, one newer parenting program, parenting with Love & Logic offers parent’s simple and practical techniques that aren’t as easily found with other parenting programs such as Total Transformation or The Incredible Years Parenting Program. Parenting with Love & Logic helps parents and teachers have more fun and less stress while raising children. Most parents do not understand how the techniques our parents and grandparents used so effectively just don’t seem to work with kids today. A lot of parents today are wondering what to do with their kids and frustrated that the old techniques just don’t seem to get the job done anymore. Many conflicting philosophies and books have been written and many of them sound good, but they haven’t seemed to be able to do the job of helping children become respectful, responsible and a joy to be around.
Although, many ideas are offered with the best intensions, they center on making sure our kids are comfortable and feeling good about themselves in order to have self-concept. However, through Love & Logic parents have discovered that self -confidence is achieved through struggle and achievement, not through someone telling kids that they are number one. Raising children, who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world, can be a win-win approach to parenting. Children will win because they will have learned to solve problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet life’s challenges. Parents will win by establishing healthy control without resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Love & Logic teaches parents to “lock in “empathy, love, and understanding prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions are. It teaches parents to hold their kids accountable for their mistakes.
When a child is talking back or yelling at you, instead of yelling back or match wits with the child try something new and unexpected, don’t waste energy simply try telling them “I love you too much to argue, or “I will talk to you when you when you can talk in a normal tone of voice;” and see what happens. This will surprise the child when they aren’t getting a rise out of you. Children need to be given the opportunity to make choices even if the choices they make are not always right ones, it is a choice that they made, therefore, they have to face the consequences and be held accountable. Provide choices by avoiding power struggles, letting the child make decisions, and help them learn from their mistakes. This helps improve parent/child relationships and builds the child’s self -confidence. Love & Logic offers parents the skills required to feel more relaxed, hopeful and positive with their children. Parents will discover that parenting doesn’t have to be as hard as it seems to be and parents can teach personal responsibility and respect without losing their child’s love.
As parent’s, many only have a few years left to prepare our children for a world that requires responsibility and maturity for endurance. Many parents are continually amazed how Love & Logic changes lives and how the principles work not only with children, but also parents and adults. It has converted many people’s parenting philosophies. With Parenting with Love & Logic parents have a place in guiding their children to healthy and successful lives. Parents are expected to be experts, but parenting is a learning process, especially appropriate and effective parenting. There is a way through parent training that has been shown to be effective at reducing child behavior problems including rebelliousness. Parent programs may seem like common sense but many needs to learn techniques and implement them consistently. The instructions given are important in determining compliance; the way in which a command is given can often greatly influence the child’s understanding of the command.
Parents often give orders that are not specific or clear enough to be truly understood by the child and parents often do not give children sufficient time to act in accordance with requests. Techniques that work with Love & Logic are forcible statements, choices, compassion, then consequences, diffusing arguments and guiding children to solve their own problems. Enforceable statements are no threats, anger, frustration and no warnings. Parenting programs are offered to help parents in helping raise our children effectively. Love & Logic primarily teaches character. The formula is the child makes a mistake, and the adult responds with compassion instead of anger, the child learns from the consequences of their actions. The rules of Love & Logic are adults set firm limits in loving ways, without anger, lecture or threats.
When a child causes a problem, the adult hands it back in a loving and consistent way. There are three different styles of parenting. Helicopter parenting, where the parent hovers over children and try to save them from the hostile world in which we live. Drill Sergeant parenting, where the parent commands and directs the lives of the children. The Consultant Parent provides the guidance and consultant services for their children. The helicopter parent never allows their children to suffer the natural consequences of their mistakes and choices, constantly bailing them out. This type of parent requires or expects nothing from their child and does not instill accountability in their child. The drill sergeant parent demands that things be done now and tells the child how to think, feel and handle all responsibilities. The consultant parent uses Love & Logic techniques, they give messages of personal worth and strength, provide and help explore alternatives and then allows the child to make his or her own decision, provides time frames in which the child may complete responsibilities.
Consultant parents model doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up and feeling good about it. They use many actions but very few words, and allow the child to experience life’s natural consequences. Family values were considerably different than those of previous decades, and to a great extent, this was the intention of previous generations. Other than the fact that teenagers have more technology and more material things nowadays, there is no difference in teenagers now as opposed to teenagers in my generation. Teens have been rebellious, prone to experimentation, impulsive, and in great need of acceptance from their peers. This has led them to teenagers making some not so wise choices, both in the previous generations as well as in the current generation.
Every generation of parents has worried and wondered if there is any hope for the next generation. Kids and teenagers also have been enthusiastic, generous, energetic, and creative to their schools and communities. Give our children a chance to do something worthwhile, and most of them will step up. All they need is a little guidance and a sense of meaning in their lives. The driving societal changes in the 80’s and 90’s women’s liberation movements, high divorce rates, and the need for mothers to enter the work force played into the hands of those starting families early in the previous decades of the 20th century.
All of these influences directly impacted the families we grew up in, and how the next generation would be raised. More often, than not children are growing up in broken homes. The reality is that more children are born to unwed or teenage mothers. I think that the Love & Logic program should be offered as a mandatory program for all parents. Through Parenting with Love & Logic introspection gives our children the values they deserve, it guides our children to solve their problems; it helps in making our children responsible for their own actions; and our children will love us for holding them accountable; and it offers parents ways to teach our children.
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University/College: University of California
Type of paper: Thesis/Dissertation Chapter
Date: 7 January 2017
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