Family Relationships Are Like Plants

The more you feed and water it, it can grow and prosper. But, if it's neglected for too long, it will slowly wither and die. Relationships take time and effort in order to grow. Both parties need to be willing to put in the effort to have a strong relationship. The most important work consists of three main things: reciprocity, listening and successful communication.

Reciprocity; without it the relationship is one-sided and the one party who puts in the most work feels like the other party is not interested.

I will use my online relationship with someone who goes by the alias 'Jackal' as an example. I started following her on twitter because I liked her art. She then followed me back and expressed appreciation for my art. Soon we were texting eachother daily and thus our online relationship began. I would share her artwork posts with my online followers and even recommend collaborative work between her and the anime voice actors I met at Sac Anime, a bi-annual convention of anime artists and fans.

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In return, Jackal would share my fan art of her origial work. It was symbiosic heaven.

Listening: Jackal would share with me her difficulties with finding work and with managing her depression. I would listen and be supportive of her efforts to overcome these obstacles. Likewise, she would listen to me when I would vent about how my eldest brother's behaviour was stressing out me and my family. She would also listen to me express my insecurities as an artist and would assure me that I had talent.

Our conversations were not all about obstacles and insecurites, though. We would also share our interests of vairous Mangas and video games and would exchange ideas and collaborate on fan fiction and fan art.

Successful communication: every living thing communicates but successful communication only happens when there is understanding between the communicators. Unfortunately communication broke down between Jackal and I and that is what led to the end of our friendship. I had been messaging Jackal per our usual routine which was daily. She was not responding and left me on 'read' which means she was recieving my messages but chose not to respond. During this time, Jackal quoted a tweet that stated: 'Just because an artist is friendly with you online, that doesn't mean they want to be friends'. I interpreted this tweet and her silence to my texts as her indirectly telling me she didn't want me messaging her and that we were not friends.

In reaction to this I blocked Jackal on my social media platforms. Soon after, Jackal sent one of her followers to message me that Jackal had been very busy and stressed out and that was why she had not responded to me. When Jackal and I reconnected, I apologized for blocking her. I explained that I had blocked her because I was upset because I assumed she was expressing that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I also told her I was feeling suicidal because of this in combination with other things happening in my life, so I wanted to disconnect from everything and everyone. Instead of understanding me, Jackal accused me of manipulating her into being friends with me by threatenting suicide.

Relationships are not easy. Strong friendships take hard work. It isn't enough to simply listen and reciprocate niceties. It takes patience, self-control and self-reflection. Successful communication isn't just receiving a message, but it entails filtering it through your own lens and then sharing your interpretation. I messed up this friendship by assuming I knew the thoughts and intentions of someone without trying to confirm them. Further breakdown of the friendship resulted as a consequence of Jackal assuming I was trying to manipulate her. It has been painful to learn this lesson and it still bothers me. We are not speaking to eachother and I feel completely misunderstood. I am trying not to dwell on this as a negative depressing episode, but rather as a learning experience.

Relationships are not easy. Not only is it important to listen and reciprocate, but it is also important to not assume the intentions of unclear words and actions. It's best to ask to clarify vague words or actions. Assumptions can take you way off the intention of the message.

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