The Reason Why Am I Here

There have been many big events that have happened in my 25 years that modeled me into the person I am today, and I am grateful to have overcome my battles in life that lead me here.

My old stepfather, Jim, that I grew up with from ages 5 to 15 really affected me in more ways than one, he was abusive to us, not only physically but emotionally as well. He would just do stupid things like oink at me when I eat and tell me "don't speak unless spoken to" and it really stuck with me.

I wasn't the type to back down, so I'd give it back and he didn't like it. My mom was trying to get through college to make a better life for us and eventually she did. At the time I couldn't see why she wouldn't just leave but when I got older and went through my own mess, is when I realized it's easier said than done.

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Being outspoken really made me a target and overdosed on some pills because I just didn't want to do it anymore. I went through cardiac arrest but luckily my mom got me to the hospital in time. I just didn't want to live to see what he'd do or say next and if it wasn't for my amazing mother, I don't know what else I would have done. Drug use became my escape from reality and I started using hard drugs very early in life and was a full-blown addict by the age of 14.

It was tough trying to come to grips with my life, seeing what I was doing to my mother and the things that happened to me when I was little. On top of that, I was helping to take care of my grandma who was bed-ridden, after she was put on hospice and living with us at home knowing she wasn't going to live much longer. I wanted to hold on to my grandma for as long as I could. I was a complete mess trying to hide the drugs and the needle marks on my arms from the two women that meant everything to me I couldn't let see me like that. On December 8, 2011 my grandma passed away, it is a day I will never forget. I as only 17 years old when she passed away and I miss her all the time. she passed away two years before my oldest daughter was born and wished she could have been there to see her great-granddaughters.

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter Jada', by a man that would beat me, and I realized I needed help. I knew I had to get clean and I did exactly that, to be able to provide her with a stable, loving life. It wasn't easy because I was on my own, he never wanted her, and it broke my heart to have to one day tell her the truth. I missed out on most of my oldest daughters first year of life and still haven't really forgiven myself yet, not only for not being there but putting my daughter on my mother while I became a mess again. It wasn't until Jada' turned 1 years old, that got fully clean and meet my other two girls' father Roe and fell in love. Unfortunately, it wasn't a happily ever after because he had an eye for everyone else as well and I had to lean on my mother for finical support for everything once again. Roe had some good qualities like being a great father. He took Jada' in as his own, gave me my other baby girls, Rochelle and Arie. He encouraged me to get my GED and further my education. Sadly, it came at a price which I gave up my morals and self-respect to try and give my babies what I didn't have growing up, a home with mommy and daddy together under one roof. Trying to fix what we had was like trying to put a broken glass back together that never fit back right. It wasn't till Feb of 2019 when I finally got the strength to leave because my babies and I deserve better and I refuse to settle.

Having the strength to stand on my own two feet has been very rewarding. I'm where I am now because I want to give my children and myself the lives we deserve. I want my girls to be proud of me and to look up at me. I want them to see that anything is possible no matter where you come from, what you been through and who you are. I believe everything I have been through was a test for this right here. The start of my life begins with me taking that leap of faith in myself and showing the world I belong here. I am beautiful, I am kind, I am intelligent, and I am brave enough to get through anything.