The Most Bravest Thing I’Ve Done: I Stayed

The crimson shade of the sun shone and covered the whole place. It’s not harmful to my skin since its getting dusk. Silence dominated the forest, you can only hear the sound created by the water falling to the lower part of the ground. The leaves of the trees were dancing with the wind. “The place just shout for perfection, isn’t it Siobhan?” I asked the girl beside me. She is with me all the time though. We decided to cut class and spent time in our hideout, a place where we like to waste our time since our eighth grade, just to breathe from a stressful week from school, final exam is coming.

She nod as response to my question. A long yet comfortable silence covered the whole place. The atmosphere is so light and serene. She suddenly broke the silence by asking an absurd question. “What if I die?” She asked. I was still puzzled with my thoughts, nonetheless I answered her question by throwing another question.

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“What are you talking about? Is everything okay?” “Silly, I’m fine. I wonder how it feels to sleep forever, would it simply like closing your eyes for a very long time” She seemed serious by spitting those words but I know better. “Shall we go back then? Come on, I’ll feed you, your thoughts seems to be hideous when you are hungry” A small smile crept in her lips and decided to take the lead back to my car.

For less than a decade, Siobhan and I have been together as friends. Funny it may seem but I feel more than that towards her. Without a hint, with no clue of getting drowned, I suddenly fell in love with her. She is my best friend, my shadow and my companion. Wherever I forego, she is always with me through thick and thin. She is one of the people who proved me that I am not alone. Now tell me, who wouldn’t fall for someone like her? Sometimes it makes me think that maybe it could be better if I just leave it like it was nothing than to lose her. I might lose her if she will know about this not-so-unwanted feelings inside my chest.

We went back to our school and proceeded to the cafeteria to grab some food. Siobhan went to the tables to choose where we can eat peacefully while I on the other hand, went to the food station to grab something to eat. After eating she started to talk about random stuff. I like the way she stares at me while talking and it sends butterflies in my stomach. She would sometimes make fun of me and then suddenly she would talk about how she love my hair, my eyes, my brows and my smile. She really knew the exact thing to do to pacify my soul. You know that feeling, like when you’re falling and your stomach churns and you get a little dizzy but in a good way. That’s what it felt to be with her every day.

I remember the first time we met, it was just an ordinary day when my mom decided to throw a simple dinner with her friends. Siobhan came with her mom, Aunt Joey. She was so stunning in her pink dress and white flat shoes. Her eyes hold the deepest ocean and if I keep on staring at her, I might drown. That was six years ago but I can still remember the part where my mom introduced her to me. “Jasper, this is Siobhan. She’s Tita Joey’s daughter, say hi to her, dear” I was shy back then but a sudden rush in my insides pushed me to talk to her. ‘Hi, I’m Jasper. Want to go somewhere else? Maybe in the garden?” I asked her nervously, she smiled widely and nod her head. That was the beginning of our friendship. A memory that I want to last.

I was back from the trance I was in by a pinch in my nose. “Let’s go Jas? I don’t want to miss my next class” She stood up and walk away. I followed her to her next class and waited for her to settle in. I found my way to my next class, looking forward for seeing her again. After our dismissal, I went to her room and waited for a few minutes before she showed up. I was wrapped into her arms in seconds and she started squeezing me harder. “Easy there, pumpkin” Her action sent my heart on fire, pumping its way so hard I can hear it beating. ‘Oh, right” She laughed and released me. “Sorry, my arms are like epitome of tentacles of an octopus. They stick themselves onto the person that I’m hugging and just continue sucking the life out of it” She giggled while explaining herself. “Come on, let’s take you home now” It happens almost every day and I don’t have any problem with it.

Upon my wake from the deep slumber, a certain day vanished and a brand new day shall start. Thus, I decided to convey my feelings to her. Maybe now is the right time to make things work between us. Not being friends but more than that. I prayed to God and wished to stay with her forever and muster all the courage I could to confess my undying love for her. And so the right moment came. “I am happy to have you in my life. Your presence always matter to me, my world seems to be a melancholic place during the time you are not with me” I nervously said those sentences with so much emotions in every words I have said. She smiled. “Me too, Jas. I’m so lucky to have you as my friend. It’s so nice to have someone you can lean on in times of trouble” This is it, I’ll spill the beans and my anxiety starts to eat me up. “The truth is, I don’t want to be your best friend anymore. I want to be something more than what we have Siobhan. Your deep carefree laugh makes my heart aches longingly and stomach dives like I was plunging down on a rollercoaster ride. I want you to be mine and I’ll be yours as long as you want” With my wide smile, I looked into her eyes, guessing what her reaction would be. My smile faltered at the sight I saw. I watched myself become a ghost right in front of her eyes.

She conditioned herself, as she was trying to contemplate what she really feels without shedding a tear but moments later, Siobhan cried uttering the words “I do love you Jas, but only as a friend, a very close one. You are someone who is very precious to me and I don’t want to lose you. I want you to stay by my side and let’s just stay the way we are right now. Let’s just stay as best friend Jasper” The intensity of her words knocked me out. My world tends to stop. I can’t properly breathe. Something is squishing my lungs, not letting any air reach my air sacs. I felt a pitter patter above me. The liquid down on my face which I recognized as tears were visible.

On that day, I was so down and sad despite being with her. I am sad despite knowing that I could stay by her side for all eternity. Miserable knowing that my desire of being with her was already granted. The new feelings tend to shake my whole being, the feeling of pain. But I choose to embrace it and walk the thorny path beside the girl I love, just being her best friend. Loving her is learning the kind of sadness that led people to utter self-destruction. You’ll become familiar with the kind of pain that paralyzes you, the kind that makes it hard for you to breathe. But I stayed by her side for as long as I want. Just being a best friend to her. The dream, the wish is nothing more than to stay beside the woman I love.