There has been an enormous change in everyone’s lives recently all in the result of a simple yet rare metamorphosis that has transformed me into the ‘bug’ I am today. I write to you, dear sister, to convey the mixed emotions and the stream of thought that have built up in my head since chaos struck our world.
Before I begin, I would like to sincerely apologize for failing to carry out the task I have promised you. I feel as though I have deceived you for life – the fact that I did not get you through the conservatory saddens my heart.
It has always been my sole concern to do my “utmost to help the family forget, as quickly as possible, the business disaster” which plunged us all in despair. It makes me “hot all over with shame and grief” to have disappointed you all financially not only by failing to pay off debts but also by losing you the lodgers who could have earned us money.
I feel a traitor who betrayed the promises made to his own family.
On the other hand, I must say it is ironic that I have personally been let down as well. It all began with the chief clerk highly disregarding my first absence from work in the 5 years I have been employed under him. It was very mean and unfair on his part to set me a critical and demoralizing speech, also suggesting that I may be collecting payments from receipts entrusted to me.
I felt deceived after the boss’ accusations making me feel worse after losing my job.
I felt deeply hurt and betrayed when you and mother decided to move the furniture out of my room. It was a “great turmoil that was being fueled from all sides” and your lack of concern as to how I would feel was destructive – it resulted in father throwing apples at me, causing injuries. Nobody had the nerve to treat the injury of their own family member because my revolting appearance. Grete, I feel most betrayed by you. I had always thought our relationship a strong one – yet you failed to understand me, did not bother with my food or the state I was in gradually. I have never felt so isolated – I feel as though I am of no use since I do not earn for the family anymore.
At this climax of how I have been neglected by my own parents and you, Grete, I have no reason to think otherwise than taking my life. I sought some emotional support from you after the alteration but “how can one stand this constant torment at home as well” Your betrayal reached a new height which deeply scarred me when I overheard you, Grete, saying that I should die. Death is the likely option for there is nothing more I would live for: I will die knowing that I have always done my best for you and the family.