A Mother Daughter Relationship

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Most parents expect many things from their children but most importantly wish their children to be successful and happy, but parents hold different expectations based on their child’s gender. The expectations that both mothers have are common because both of them have daughters. These differences in expectations of gender can be seen in literature such as Girl by Jamaica Kincaid where she will list everything a women is expected of doing in the house and in Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? by Joyce Carol Oates, the mother argues with her daughter to be more like her sister which is portrayed to be perfect.

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Both of these mothers have high expectation in their daughters and show them tough love in their parenting. Mothers expect more from their daughters to be successful and by satisfying gender roles that society has made for them. Both mothers in the literature show their interest in their daughters by pleasing certain gender roles.

In Girl we can tell her mother is listing what her daughter is expected to do in the house to become the perfect housewife and she must also act a certain way into becoming a lady. In Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? Connie’s mother always compares her to her sister June; the mother favors June over Connie and wants her to be more like her sister. June is everything her mother wants in a daughter while Connie is not. “A traditional gender role orientation emphasizes differences between men and women and assumes that each sex has a natural affinity to particular behaviors.

Those who maintain a traditional gender role orientation are likely to be influenced by the rules and rituals of the generations that came before them, by their parents and grandparents” (Blackstone 335).

This quote from Amy Blackstone explains that gender roles are affiliated with previous generations of the family, which can indicate that the mothers are passing down to their daughters what they have learned from their childhood with their own mothers. Mothers often want their daughters to follow their footsteps and have certain types of criteria that have to be met by them. In most cases, this creates a communication barrier between the two and often leading them to have conflict among their relationship. We see this happening more in the literature of Girl when her mother states “ this is how you iron your father’s khaki pants so that they don’t have a crease… this is how you sweep a corner; this is how you sweep a whole house; this is how you sweep a yard” (Kincaid 47).

The mother teaches her daughter how to iron and clean the way she knows how to, implicating that she must follow her mothers footsteps because this is the right way and that she must do it when one day she gets married or has a house. But not all daughters have the same opinions as their mothers, which can result in having a communication barrier as we can see in Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? the story states “Connie’s mother kept picking at her until Connie wished her mother was dead and she herself was dead and it was all over.” (Oates 324). Connie’s mother picks on her daughter so much in the story that it makes Connie not want to have any relationship with her mother by wishing both of them death. According to Estherann Grace who has a masters degree in adolescent medicine said, “The strength of the mother/daughter bond contributes to the intensity of the emotional response both negatively and positively.

This closeness stems somewhat from the expected psychological identification of a developing adolescent becoming a woman, following in her mother's footsteps. The teenager needs to clarify the differences to establish her own identity.” (Grace 414) In order to solve their differences Connie needs to talk to her mother about the problems they both have and talk to each other about their point of views and figure out the underlying message why her mother and her don’t get along. Both mothers from the short stories show tough love for their daughters as one of their parenting techniques. For Girl the mother tells her daughter “on Sundays try to walk like a lady and not like the slut you are so bent on becoming” (Kincaid 47), she tells this to her daughter because she secretly cares about how her daughter will turn out to be as a woman. The mother uses a form of reverse psychology so her daughter can prove her wrong that she will not become a slut that her mother thinks she will become.

In Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? her mother proclaims to Connie saying “Why don’t you keep your room clean like your sister? How’ve you got your hair fixed- what the hell stinks? Hair spray? You don’t see your sister using that junk.” (Oates 323) The mother complains to Connie to her because she wants her to become just like her older daughter since she seems to believe that her oldest became successful and that Connie is doing the complete opposite of the mother’s expectations. But in Connie’s point of view she rebels to being anything like her sister because she has her own personality and doesn’t want to follow someone else’s footsteps. According to Gregory Patterson “Kids need more parental involvement. Whether it's in setting high expectations and then holding children accountable, or by being closely and continuously involved as you set and hold high standards.”(Patterson 4)

With this being said, Patterson would approve of the relationships that both mothers have with their daughters because it makes the parent become more involved with their children lives since its giving the child to hold high expectations of the parent which later on will lead to positive outcomes to the child. Although these mothers have unique ways of parenting, other parents might say this type of parenting can result of psychological abuse to their daughters. Psychological abuse is the parent’s behavior that can aggressively harm their child’s mental health (McCoy and Keen 123). We can see this psychological abuse for both literatures, in Girl her mother refers to the daughter to be turning into a slut, which will deliberately hurt the daughter’s feelings.

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? the mother tells Connie to stop acting like she’s pretty because she’s not. Connie states that these words are familiar to her indicating that her mother verbally attacks her often which results into a psychological abuse. As stated by Monica McCoy and Stefanie Keen, “parents with good intentions may become verbally aggressive…whether the parent deliberately ignored the child, intended to harm the child with harsh words, or behaved out of ignorance.” (McCoy and Keen 125) The quote explains that even parents who have good intentions to their child can still accidently harm them with harsh words that can cause the psychological abuse towards the children.

In conclusion, mothers expect more from their daughters to succeed in life with what the mother has provided to them varying from everyday life to academics and also by satisfying gender roles that society has made for women. While some of these gender roles can be protested by their daughters, it will most likely create communication barriers between their mothers relationship and cause several problems between the two. As a parenting technique both the mothers have portrayed themselves as very harsh and heartless mothers but in all realty this points out that they have good intentions for being so strict on their daughters. Both mothers use though love in their parenting to show what their daughters are expected of and to hopefully guide their daughters in life with what the mother has taught them.

Works Cited Blackstone, Amy. "Gender Roles and Society." Human Ecology: An Encyclopedia of Children, Families, Communities, and Environments, (2003) 335-338 Grace, Estherann. "Mothers and Daughters: The Challenge of Communicating." Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology, 19.6 (2006): 413-414. Keen, Stefanie M., and Monica McCoy. Child Abuse and Neglect. New York and London: Psychology Press, 2014. Print. Kincaid, Jamaica. Girl. Backpack Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, Drama, and Writing. Ed. X.J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. 4th ed. New York: Person Longman, 2012. 46-50 Oates, Joyce Carol. Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been. Backpack Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, Drama, and Writing. Ed. X.J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. 4th ed. New York: Person Longman, 2012. 323-337 Patterson, Gregory A. "Tough Love is Two Words - and Two Necessities." Phi Delta Kappan, 93.5 (2012): 4.

Mother And Daughter Relationships

What is the "mother-daughter" relationship? I have no direct information on this due to the fact that I am not a child. I do, however, have 2 sisters, and their relationship with my mother is really different when compared to the characters in the short stories "Who's Irish?" and "New York Day Women." Relationships in between moms and children take various kinds for various individuals. The mother/daughter relationship amongst various people can be the exact same, however likewise very different.

There are many similarities in the relationships in between the moms and daughters in the short stories, "Who's Irish?" and "New York Day Women." One resemblance is that there is a structure of love between the generations. For example, in "Who's Irish?" the mom appears to describe how she feels about her when she was a child. "A child I have, a gorgeous child. I looked after her when she might not hold her direct." The narrator seems to have much love for her child, and she tries to make her life better by taking care of her child. In "New York Day Women" the daughter, Suzette, follows her mom around New york city City on her lunch break and remarks on what she is doing. In this short story it isn't difficult to see that this child likes her mother very much. Suzette also appears to understand what her mother does in her everyday life, and with this details she embraces her mom with compassion and love.

For circumstances, she understands that her mom shouldn't consume anything with salt due to the fact that, "she needs to take care with her heart, this day woman." Another resemblance would be that the cultures of both moms are held highly with them, however not as strongly with their daughters. For instance, in "Who's Irish?" the mother says, "You spank her, she'll stop ..." which in Chinese culture it is acceptable to spank your kid. Nevertheless, Natalie replies, "... Oh no. In America, moms and dads not expected to spank the child. It provides low self esteem ..." Which contradicts the Chinese parenting custom carried out to teach obedience to the kid. In "New York City Day Women" the mother represents herself as a person who keep customs strong however not have them disrupt other cultures such as the American culture.

Although the mother remains tied to her culture throughout the whole story, yet her daughter is willing to accept her ways, but not follow them. An additional similarity in the two short stories is the mothers' efforts in trying to embrace new cultures. It is hard for people of different backgrounds to understand the change in culture in a country where the culture is totally different and diverse. However, the willingness of the two mothers to accept the culture is their way of expressing their love for their children. For example, in "Who's Irish?" the mother finally accepts the culture around her at the end of the story when she moves in with Bess Shea. She encounters things of the new culture and she doesn't seem to mind them, such as watching bloopers and the birdfeeder. With these little changes in culture she will adapt to the new habitat in which she is living.

The similarity in "New York Day Women" is a little easier to understand because it happens throughout the entire story. In the story "New York Day Women" the mother walks down the street in Brooklyn while her daughter is following her from behind. The mother seems to have a routine she follows everyday. One example of the mother embracing a new culture is when Suzette is trailing behind, and notices that she stops at the vendor on the side of the street and orders a frankfurter, which is an American meal to most people.

Another example, of accepting a new culture would be the argument of the taxi drivers in front of Carnegie Hall, which is very common in New York to have happen. So she sits and waits until the argument is over. The mother's reply was, "In Haiti when you get hit by a car, the owner of the car gets out and kicks you for getting blood on his bumper." These are examples of the similarities between the relationships in "New York Day Women," and "Who's Irish?"

There are also many differences in the mother-daughter relationships of these short stories. The first difference was how the two daughters acted towards their mothers' old traditions and customs. The fact that Suzette was curious about the mother's customs and wanted to know more about it made the story "New York Day Women" a little more articulate. In the sense that I could tell that Suzette knows her mother very well, and will not stop being curious about her mothers traits. For example, in "New York Day Women" the Suzette follows her mother around the streets of New York. She doesn't want to be seen by her because she is trying to see what she is does in the daytime. This curiosity leads Suzette to learn how her mother adapts to the city life. On the other hand, in "Who's Irish?" Nattie does not really care what her mother's traditions are. She only cares about the new way a child should be treated and the way an American acts.

This leads to confusion between Nattie and her mother because both are trying to force different customs and cultures Sophie, the daughter of Nattie. Also, in the end, Nattie is so distant from her mother that she rarely goes over to Bess' house to see her. The second difference between these two stories would have to be the relationships between the two families. In "New York Day Women" the mother-daughter relationship is very close. Just the fact that the Suzette went to follow her mother to learn her customs is loving, but to have almost every sentence begin with "My mother" is enough evidence that there relationship is close enough to make the family in "Who's Irish?" look chaotic.

With this kind of relationship between them their mother-daughter relationship the love will never end. However, the mother-daughter relationship in "Who's Irish?" is horrible. The mother loves her daughter, but she can't show it to Nattie because she doesn't want to let go of her traditions. This leads to the physical abuse of Sophie and aggravation from Nattie, which would head the relationship in a downhill pattern. The families portrayed in these two stories depict very different mother-daughter relationships.

In conclusion, the relationships between mothers and their daughter can vary just as the tides of the ocean. The mother-daughter relationship amongst different people can be the same, but also very different, as seen in the short stories, "Who's Irish?" and "New York Day Women.". However, in the end family relationships will prevail in good standing, and the love that was always there will rise in the hearts of the families and all will be won in the fight for togertherness.