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In my senior year of high school, I found myself struggling with depression. I had an inclination that I was depleting to tune in to and not deserving of being thought about. I sensed that I couldn’t value the compassion of others. Depression has completely taken over me. All my friends were enjoying their senior year; I become increasingly isolated, on the outside looking in. Depression eats you up; it is like a monster trying to take over your body.
The worst thing about depression is that you know that your family members and friends are here to support you, but you feel lonely like no one is around to understand you. Anything good can turn into bad in a blink of a second. I would be exhausted from all the voices in my head that would keep beating me up. I would spend my whole day sleeping; I didn’t want to wake up because I was living in my nightmare over and over each day.
I knew that I needed help, but I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, I feel like I lost myself to depression. I have no motivation to get out of bed and do anything. I feel like no one would notice if I would disappear forever. Everyone would say “Cheer Up” and “It is going to get better” these two words would be the worst thing to say to a depressed person. The most annoying thing people keep telling me when I am depressed is to be happy, keep a smile on your face, and keep thinking positive thoughts.
Depression is not like you have one bad day and can be normal the next day, it is an ongoing feeling inside of you.
So let me tell you what depression is for me. It is debilitating. It makes everyday tasks like waking up, and showering seems unbearable. The first time that I experienced depression was in my junior year of high school. I felt like I was always lonely, and nobody could understand how I felt. I think it had something to do with the start of puberty with the new hormones coming in, creating an emotional change. The stress and anxiety have made me lose my appetite; I would go days without eating. I lost 30 pounds in a month. Not eating was like my coping mechanism; I would not eat when I am stress out and overwhelmed.
Depression has caused me to miss most of my junior year; I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to leave my room; I wanted to stay in bed all day long. There was always an ongoing battle with my parents in the morning to wake up for school. I didn’t want to start my assignments and homework because I felt like I didn’t understand it and I wasn’t smart enough. I felt like my teachers would be disappointed in me if I didn’t understand what she was teaching, so I didn’t want to do my homework, which made me not want to attend class. My parents would always yell and drag me out of my bed to get me ready for school. My parents did not know what was wrong me because I would usually look forward to school. So my parents decided to make an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist, so one morning we went to see the psychiatrist, and my mom explain everything about me to the psychiatrist: “Annie would spend her whole day in bed, exhausted from doing nothing, not going to school, not completing her assignments and homework, and failing most of her classes”. Then the psychiatrist said, “it sounds like your daughter has a case of anxiety and depression. We can try giving her therapy sessions every week and medication to see if she can get better”. My parents did not agree; they didn’t know what depression was, they didn’t want to put me in any medications. So the psychiatrist explains to my parents: “this the only way your daughter can be treated”. After several hours later, my parents finally agree to put me on medication. However, after several weeks of taking medications and going to therapy sessions, it didn’t seem to work. I was still feeling the same way, I wasn’t in a mood to do anything and I am still struggling to get out of bed. Depression was always making me miss school, which hurt my grade. I made C’s and D’s in most of my classes, which the school made me go to summer school to retake the courses that I failed in, which made me stop caring more about everything. I stop caring about how I looked and my hygiene. I even stop showering. Now looking back to it, it grosses me out to even think that I was that depressed to stop showering.
At the beginning of my senior year of high school, I made a promise to myself to improve myself. In the beginning, I was going to school every day and getting good grades. I think that my depression was cured. I was finally happy and myself. I was hanging out with my friends going to senior events and having the time of my life like any typical teenager. However, after a few weeks went by, I noticed that my depression is creeping back into my body. Tasks, responsibility, and obligations began to pile up that no ordinary mortal can overcome. I was having a hard balancing school and my part-time job. It was difficult for me finding time to do my homework, study, and have a social life. Stress began to build up. This is how depression comes creeping back in, I hoped and prayed that it doesn’t return, but it does anyway. I started to feel down again. My anxiety returns, I felt like I was draining to listen to, not worthy of anyone, not cared for. I couldn’t even begin to appreciate the empathy of my family members and friends. Depression has completely changed me again. All of my friends were enjoying their senior year without me, I became increasingly isolated, on the outside looking in. Depression has become my world. I could not imagine any human being wanting to see inside of me, therefore I pushed everyone away. After a few weeks of avoiding social contact, one of my dear friend reached out to me. She invited me to hang out more. It reminded me that I had a real friend out there that I was cared for. It made me realized that I was important.
To those who are currently dealing with depression. I would highly suggest to reach out to anyone, a friend, neighbor, or a family member anyone can help. Sometimes medication helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. For example, I was put on medication, but it didn’t seem to work. Medication is not for everyone. I want anyone dealing with depression to know that you are not alone, you are not worthless, and there is someone out there that genuinely would help you and will love you for you.
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