The Love of My Parents That I Owe Them

If there’s any moral question I would like to ask my parents, there is one question for which I already knew the answer. Do you owe your parents your life? Should you be in debt to them your whole life because they gave birth to you? In Eastern Asian countries, is it the child’s duty to take care of their parents when they grow up. It is well-known and considered ungrateful if you were to take off and live your own lives, without any concern about your parents.

The central moral of all this conclusion comes from the idea that life is the most precious thing that anyone can have, and our parents gave it to you; they gave birth to you, and it is your duty to return the favor as soon as you can take care of yourself, physically, emotionally and financially. In more conservative families, whose moral values still linger from ancient generations, is it mandatory that you must listen to the elders, because they have the most experiences, and hence are the wisest when it comes to life choices.

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One of the well-known stereotypes that I saw growing up in an Asian family is that children must do whatever their parents tell them to, or else they will be disowned. The children must become majorly successful before thirty and be nothing else but doctors. I know for a fact that the family I grew up in considered this normal, and I think it is a moral question to be asked.

After learning about the famous Greek philosophers, I would like to stand back and give myself some introspective about the matter. Care Ethics demands that we pay attention to the special relationships we have in our lives. It says that morality goes wrong when we emphasize impartiality because it’s our most caring relationships that make our lives worthwhile. Even though we might have a general love for humanity itself, we can’t beat the unconditional love that we only have with the people we know best.

Maybe because I am not a mother yet, therefore I cannot have known how much my mother loves me, or so I think she does, but I understand the concept. I understand that giving birth to a child is not an easy thing to do; it’s sacrifices, many tears, and much pain. About parent-child relationship, Kant said: “The child is brought to this world without his consent and is placed in it by the responsible free will of others. This act, therefore, attaches an obligation to the parents to make their children- as far as their power goes- contented with the condition thus acquired. Hence the parents cannot regard their child has, in a manner, a thing of their own making; for being endowed with freedom cannot be so regarded. Nor, consequently, have they a right to destroy it as if it were their own property, or even leave it to chance.” The parents have full control of their child’s destiny from before it was born to the day it forms its own concept of life and death. With Kant’s philosophy, he would think the fact that the parents are using the child to their own good by telling them it’s their duty and it’s their debt to pay for the gift of life, is immoral; it breaks Kant’s laws of ethics. This would be using someone as mere means.

However, if your parents gave you nothing but love and care, and when they get older, they simply cannot take care of themselves, and asked you to take care of them, would it be immoral for the parents to only want help, from their only child? And is it immoral for the child to deny the cry for help? Kant’s universal law creates a thought experiment for me. What if it is a law that the child has to repay their parents for the life they gave him, by fulfilling their conditions obliged to him. Not everyone should be a parent. There are neglected children out there, living in terrible conditions, whose parents stopped caring about them for a long time. The law would be abused by selfish and irresponsible parents. Another argument was brought up about the matter is that we owe our parents love and respects. Kant would disagree that we have any obligation to love another person because love is an emotion and emotions are not under our control. Additionally, I believe respect is earned, hence I don’t agree with the obligation to respect your parents if they are horrible and disrespectful people. With Mill, the question would be condensed to whether it’s beneficial for the greater good. If children had a moral contract with their parents, will it benefit both sides, and for the family in general?

Mill might think the continuity of our genes is a factor contributing to the greater good of humanity, but morally, it is not wrong for us to choose to not take care of our parents when they get older, because in the past they have mistreated us, because we are enduring that presence of pain from putting up with people who have mistreated us. To Mill, there should be an extent to which we put up with our parents. You should take care of your parents out of love, not out of debt; we don’t incur any sort of debt to our parents when we were born since we were simply incapable of understanding moral contracts. I know most of my friends’ parents are seriously controlling when it comes to being successful in life, with their own definitions of success. They also use the basis of children carry a debt to them because they gave their children life itself, and no one can do that but them, hence the obligation to fulfill their impossible expectations.

Children who were raised in such a harsh environment grow up to be adults who are always in a state of constant self-hating with low confidence. Using the moral contract as a chain to hold them back and to oppress a kind of responsibility on children to ensure that you have someone to take care of you when you get older is just awful all around. I have talked to a few parents who would constantly be bragging about their children attending prestigious schools and acing in every named musical instrument. It brought back so much unkind memories about my dad. When I met with their kids, they are terrified of their parents. It reminds me of my past as I thought raising a kid under such image-conscious parents’ hands is such a cruel thing to do. My parents wanted me to be all kinds of successful people possible; from a famous diplomat to a doctor of some sort. I had to break them out of that mentality by convincing them until they gave up when I turned seventeen.

Before that, my dad would bring me to family get together, or dinner with friends to brag about me, represent me with this false image of perfection, overly exaggerating each of my accomplishments, so he could be seen a “successful father figure” to his friends. Other parents would do the same thing and it became a vicious cycle for the kids. It was not about the kids at the end of the day, but rather about the parents themselves. I thought it was selfish and self-absorbed. It made me incredibly self-conscious and ultimately became, a try-hard. I carried the urge of making my parents proud of their only daughter, and then continue to be a trophy for them to carry around and brag with other people. I remember the bar was raised every time my dad noticed my inferior to his friends’ kids, and it was a living nightmare. It reminds me the pride that Sir Gawain carries that he holds on so tightly that it became of his life that influenced his life decisions, in this case, my dad’s unfair expectation for me to succeed to boost his pride. All that being said, I understand my parents’ hardship, and I only came to this question because realizing that your parents are just human beings and not totems to be put on a pedestal is just a part of growing up, and I accept that. My parents might think that I bring shame to the name I carry but it’s time for me to think for myself. If I ever planned on having kids, they would be the best version of themselves and no one can change that. With that in mind, I want to end with an Emerson quote: “I suffer whenever I see that common sight of a parent or senior imposing his opinion and way of thinking and being on a young soul to which they are totally unfit. Cannot we let people be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make that man another you. One's enough.”