My name is Nathan Peterson and this is my story.

I was only 17 when the doctor came in and told me I had the bipolar disease. I asked him what does that mean. He told me its a disorder that deals with episodes of mood swings. I was confused I didn’t know what to think of it. My mother asked in a concerned voice “What can we do to treat it” The doctor said, “I'm sorry mam there is not a cure for this disease, but we can give him some pills to help him control it.

” I was in fear… I didn’t know what was going on I just sat there with a dumbfounded look on my face.

When we left the doctor's office it was a silent car ride home. Nothing was said. It was so quiet it felt like I could listen to the people in the car next to ours conversation at every red light. When we pulled into the driveway my mom broke down.

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She was trying to stay strong for me, but it overpowered her she couldn’t take it. She didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t want anyone to know. I know my Dad would want me to be strong if he were here. He would want me to take care of our family and make sure everything was alright. But in my mind how can I take care of my family if I can't take care of myself? My mind didn’t know how to process what was going on.

When I got to the house I went straight to my room, slammed the door, and began to cry not because I was scared for myself but scared for the ones I love. I Locked myself in my room so no one could come in there and lie to me saying it's going to be ok even though they don’t think that. I heard a knock on my door it was my brother. He said, “Nathan! Come on man let me in”. My brother was 19 at the time. I yelled for him to leave me alone it must have scared him because it worked. Which made me even sadder because this made me think that everyone would be scared of me for the rest of my life. I stayed in my room for the rest of the night with no food and no sleep.

I just sat there in complete silence in the pitch dark. I heard knocking on my door I say “it must be morning” I looked over at my alarm it was 3:00 am. I said, “who is it”. No one responded. I went to investigate to see if anyone was awake. There was no one in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, or the den. I went to each room to sneak a peek in to make sure everything was alright. I saw someone standing at the end of my mother’s bed. It was a dark figure I couldn’t get a good few of his face. I began to scream and when that happened I was awakened by my mom. She said “You're ok, You're” As she cradled me in her arms she said it over and over again. I felt safe. I felt like nothing could ever hurt me as long as I was in her arms.

The day went by fast like it wasn’t even 5 hours. No one spoke to me that day. I don’t know if it was fear or sadness. I was scared to go to bed that night I tried my hardest not to go to sleep. But as the night kept going I began to fade off. Then I heard a knock on my door. I looked at the clock it was 3:00 am. I went to see if anyone was up again. No one was in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or den. I went to everyone's room. My mother’s room first the figure wasn’t their. I was in relieve until I walked into my brother's room. The figure had something in his hand. It turned to look my way when I screamed. My mother came to my rescue again as I woke up screaming. I didn’t want to tell her what had happened in the dream so I just went ahead and lied.

The day went by really fast again. That night I tried to stay awake once again. I kept all the lights on, Headphones blaring in my ears, and the TV full blast. All the things that would keep me awake. I did whatever it took. Until 3:00 am when I heard a knock on my door. My lights went out, my headphones stopped and the TV shut off. No one in the Kitchen. No one in the living room. No one in the bathroom. No one in the den. I went to everyone's room but no one was there I went to go check on them when I heard a scream. I woke out of some kind of hallucination. I was in shock about my discovery. The figure was me. I was the figure that was standing in front of their beds. But when I woke my damage was already I had stabbed her fives times. I went to check on my brother, but he wasn’t in his room. I saw a flashing light from outside my home. I walked downstairs and outside on the front porch. Dropped on my knees and accepted my fate.

That was 10 years ago today. I’ve changed a lot and learned that if I take enough pills I can control everything but with the pills come to the dreams. Every night I see the same dream and I don’t know how much more I can take.