How Important It Is to Have a Friend

This question is succinct but frankly more than most people want to tackle. After days of research, much thought, reflection and many moments feeling dumbfounded an adequate amount of information has been found to form an opinion. On the surface the answer seems obvious, right? From the beginning of time, every human has had friends therefore they must be essential to life. This argument can be misleading. Prehistoric Man needed each other because there was strength in numbers. In the last few centuries, the sheer number of humans and the close proximity to each other has forced bonds to grow between them thus creating friends.

The fact that all humans have developed friendships brings to light the value of the question and it’s answer. We all need friends because friends satisfy the need for safety, belonging and self-actualization.

To continue some clarification is needed and the words “need” and “friend” require some additional attention. Webster’s dictionary defines the word “need” to mean “to be in want” or “a physical or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism” .

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Ms. Black, a freshman biology teacher, stressed the importance in distinguishing the difference between needs and wants. Webster’s first definition and Ms. Black’s idea create some discrepancy. It is apparent that the word “need” can carry a variety of meanings and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs offers some clarity.

From the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchical pyramid moving upward the needs are: physiological, safety, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization (McLeod).

For the purpose of this paper, Maslow’s hierarchy will be used to define “need” as it pertains to the question “Do we need friends?” The term “friend” has always been interesting. Webster defines “friend” as “one attached to another by affection or esteem”. In asking a wide array of people how they would define the term, answers ranged from “anyone who is saved as a contact in your phone” to “anyone who would stand up for you” but the most common answers included the words “loyal” and “trust”. For the purpose of this paper “friend” will be defined as one attached to another who has loyalty and trust. With these definitions in mind, the more accurate question is “Does having trustworthy and loyal people in a human’s life satisfy any of Maslow's hierarchy of needs?” Yes, humans need friends.

Starting with our very basic physiological needs of food, water, warmth and rest friends would not be considered at need. However, the next of the basic levels, safety, could be argued as a necessity. Sometimes friends provide physical safety but more often friends provide social safety with a feeling of comradery. Oftentimes, friends provide physical safety in the form of actual shelter in times of need. Examples of friends providing physical safety can be temporary like allowing a friend to stay at your house while their parents are out of town or more permanent situations like roommates and spouses. Whether temporary or permanent, if you are living with other humans there has to be some level of trust in the relationship that you will not be harmed while sharing a roof with them. There is also a level of loyalty that they will respect you and your belongings as well as take care of their responsibilities within the living arrangement.

According to the US census in 2010 the population of America is 327,167,439 and the number of households is 121,520,180. That means that the average occupancy of each household is 2.6922. Although many of those are families at least a portion of them are friends choosing to room together meeting a basic need of safety. Friends can also provide social safety in many circumstances. In awkward situations friends are the first people we look for because they do provide a safety blanket and create a sense of security. Having even one friend in a large social setting can help. Joshua Clegg, a leading psychologist, defines social awkwardness to be “... what we feel when the situation threatens our goal of being accepted by others”(Jarrett). Using that definition it makes sense that we turn to our friends because we already feel safe and accepted by them.

Maslow’s next level of need is the psychological needs we have, specifically belonging. Maslow articulates that “intimate relationships, friends” fall into this level (McLeod). Friends provide a sense of belonging within a group. Webster dictionary defines belonging as a “close or intimate relationship”. According to multiple studies on human behavioral interactions the conclusion came to light that there was a “50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.”, according to Julianne Holt-Lunstad and Timothy B. Smith. Similarly, an Australian study that spanned a decade found that older people with stronger social networks and friends lived longer suggesting the benefit of having friends. Both studies support that friends are necessary to meeting our psychological need of belonging (Giles, Lynne C et al.)

Self-actualization is defined by Webster as, “to realize fully one’s potential” and is the highest level in Maslow’s need hierarchy. Friends support and encourage but also provide a baseline for comparison. We all compare ourselves to others whether consciously or unconsciously. Despite the general population discouraging comparison to others it helps us to know what is possible, be more competitive and makes us more grateful according to Lisa Earle McLeod. The general population only presents the best version of themselves to the world but when it comes to friends you see the good and the bad. Friends are a baseline to really compare and get an accurate representation of who you are in relation to the general population. Thus, friends help us realize our full potential meeting our need for self-actualization.

Though most research and human experience would lead one to believe that the hypothesis should be answered in the affirmative, Dunbar’s findings could be used to refute. Dunbar's number is the max capacity we can stretch ourselves when it comes to friends. His theory is that one can have no more than 5 loved ones at once, 15 good friends, 50 friends, 150 meaningful contacts and so forth (Ro). While his theory limits our capacity for friends it does not actually refute the need for friends. In general the problem with Dunbar's work is that he was comparing the ratio of brain size; social groups from primates to humans. On the surface that makes sense but within either species there is such a variety of brain sizes that there is no way to determine a uniform number for the whole species. Historically comparing brain sizes has not been effective. In early America, whites tried to scientifically prove their superiority to blacks by comparing brain sizes (Henretta, James et al. 594). This was proven inaccurate therefore minimizing Dunbar’s findings in general.

Transcendentalism might be another school of thought that would strongly suggest that friends are not needed. “Transcendentalists operated from the start with the sense that the society around them was seriously deficient”, and they encouraged self-reliance and independence (Goodman). Transcendentalists focus on the importance of individualism rather than appreciating the need for others. While independence and self-reliance carry value to human growth and maturity, the need for interaction and specifically friends carries even greater priority. When isolated from others, as is encouraged by transcendentalism, basic needs are insufficiently met thus stunting human growth.

There is a sufficient amount of evidence to prove that humans need friends. If one acts upon the prior two beliefs and attempts to live without friends they will be lacking to some extent safety, belonging, and self actualization. The void that will remain unfilled by choice will collapse and result in further evidence of the necessity of friends.