Lost in the Drakensberg Mountains

Categories: Short Story

Essay, Pages 3 (554 words)

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It was a sunny Saturday morning, my first time hiking and we were on the road to the Drakensberg mountains. My dad, Lanny, was driving us and I was lying on the back seat listening to music. Oh yes and my little brother Ross was in the passenger seat speaking to my dad, asking him about hiking. When we had arrived at 11:00 am we were booking in at one of the hotels close to our hiking trails starting point. We were un-packing and ready to get some sleep for the big day ahead of us.

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Waking up at the crack of dawn was hard but we were able to do it and made snacks for the hike. At 6:00am we were ready to hike and at the trail. As we started it seemed easy but continued to get harder. My younger brother Ross was struggling up the mountain and asked me to carry his bag for him.

I had a strange thought; I should be nice to him because if something had to happen to him I wouldn’t like it if the last thing I said was nasty.

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We had been hiking for just over an hour when we decided to stop for a break and brunch. My brother was in need of the toilet. We told him to just go behind the bush. I heard a rustle in the bushes around us and a cold shiver ran through me. HELP! We ran to the bush he was behind. Looking around we saw marks and footprints on the ground.

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We followed them down the bank. Running as fast as we could, we saw the huge creature. It turned around, we dived behind a shrub, I don’t think it saw us. Jumping up again, we were out of breath but continued chasing.

The creature was very big with white fur, bigger than a gorilla or a bear. We were determined to find him and as we approached the village that these Sasquatch type beasts were using, we peeped over the fences made of steaks and vines, we were sure Ross was in great danger. When looking over the walls we saw many of the Sasquatches and searched for little Ross among the crowd of beasts. We had made up our minds, we were going in. After we tried to get his attention several times we noticed he was in such great shock that he didn’t recognize us. Hiding behind each tavern and bush. Jumping and rolling from bush to bush. Then Bang!

There the sound of something landing behind us. We turned around and saw its giant feet then ran. But we were no match for them, they surrounded us. My dad said, “just be calm we’ll be fine”. They tied us up and put us each in separate taverns. I saw my back pack and tried to get the Swiss army knife out, but the primitive Sasquatch saw me and couldn’t understand what I was doing so he locked me up in small dark room. They took off my ropes and confiscated my bag. They left me in this room with only the belongings in my pockets and my clothes. I wrote this message on my cell phone and sent it to everyone I know. Please try save us!

Essay's Scoring Result:

Expert's Assessment

The essay narrates a hiking experience with family dynamics, but its transitions between scenes lack smoothness, creating a somewhat disjointed feel. The abrupt introduction of the Sasquatch element, while intriguing, could benefit from a more gradual build-up. The writing is generally clear, but certain areas require refinement for improved coherence. Overall, the narrative captures interest, yet a careful edit for pacing and clarity would enhance the overall reading experience.

How can you enhance this essay?

Smooth out the story transitions, especially when introducing the Sasquatch part. Make the connection between the creature and Ross's danger clearer. Slow down during the exciting parts for more suspense. Describe things more vividly for a better picture in readers' minds. Keep verb tenses consistent. Simplify the language for a smoother read.