A life-changing event in my life

Categories: A Historical Event

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Goodbye. That is what I think every year that day comes. June 22nd, 2013. Have you ever experienced a life-changing event in your life? Such as the death of a family member you're extremely close with. I was 13 when I had to watch my grandmother die. It was through the course of several months, but that does not take away from the fact that she was actively dying and there was nothing I could do to help her. I did not want to let her go, selfish I know, but having someone you are so very close with dying is terrifying.

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It hurts me that she was hurting for so long, but I am glad she stayed as long as she did. She was incoherent for the last few weeks of her life, and I would quite often set with her and talk. I would talk to her and God, I would ask God why he was doing this and how could he.

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I had never been one to believe in a higher power, I knew something or someone was there, but I didn't know what or who. After her death, I was angry. Angry at myself, at God, or whoever was up there listening to me scream at them every night. I screamed about everything because I thought that would help with the loss of my grandmother, but it did not. Nothing helped, I soon realized screaming my problems into the darkness of my bedroom was not going to bring her back.

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Having her there one night then gone the next put it in perspective for me, I stopped looking at it like it was my fault or that God did it to punish me, it is life and I understand now.

I can still recall that devastating Saturday like it was yesterday. It was rainy but very warm outside, no birds were singing, it was very gloomy. I remember waking up to people talking and my mother standing in my doorway crying, I knew something bad had happened and I was not prepared for what she was going to say. I heard "She's gone." and I went numb. I did not know what to do or say, I just froze. My grandma was my best friend and my rock for so many years, I told her everything and now I was alone. I laid there and it finally clicked that she was gone, death consumed her and I was not there to hold her hand to tell her it would be ok, to let go, and that I would be fine. I miss talking to her. I miss her Sunday night dinners. I miss her smell, her beautiful face, and smile. I miss her. It has been almost seven years since she has passed and I can't stop missing her. You would think it would get easier, but nope. Never does, and I do not think it ever will sadly. Although I am slowly losing the memory of what she looked like, I will never forget what she meant to me and how much of an impact she had on my life. I am here today because of her and I am trying to make her proud every day I get up out of bed, It's not easy but I have made it work so far.

Death is inevitable. My experience with death hasn't been too pleasant, obviously. But it's not supposed to be, you can not escape it. You can not keep living your life in fear and expect to go places, you have to give it your best and just live life to its fullest. But I have realized that no matter what we are all going to die, that is a given, it is just when is what is scary. That is what everyone is afraid of, not knowing when or how. But if you have ever experienced such a traumatic event, like me, it probably has been an eye-opener to the world that is around you. I have stopped living in the when and started living in the now, it's a lot more exciting. I have stopped being afraid of what could happen because there is no point in it. I know my grandmother would be proud of who I am today and how I am living my life to it's fullest. So in other words that I heard my grandma say quite often "Let live and live. Look straight ahead and never look back. That is in the past and it is your present, you never know what could be happening in front of you.