Terrorist Satire Essay
Cure worse than the Disease It all began in 2001, 3 terrorist attacks caused a storm of new legislation and government power. The public demanded that terrorism be wiped out by any means necessary. The American government used terrorism to bring more power to the federal government. The mass media helped fuel the fire by burning the images of September 11 into everyone’s eyes. They played the same tape over and over until the tapes disintegrated. With George Bush having a 99% success rating he was able to pass anything he wanted.
The signing of the Patriot Act in October, 2001 was the first blow to tear apart the Constitution. The act was named the Patriot Act on purpose so that it would be passed unanimously; anyone who was against was considered an enemy of the United States. If the act was called “Taking your Civil Rights away” it would have never seen the light of day. The highest echelons of the American government seemed happy to take advantage of the situation while the public was obsessed with destroying international terrorism.
There were some congressmen who did not back the bill, but did not speak up for fear they would be labeled not patriotic. The power of the Patriot act is that it gave the FBI, NSA and the CIA unlimited power and jurisdiction over the American public. All of the checks and balances put into place to stop the misuse of surveillance power were done away with. With the Patriot Act signed into law by President Bush, let the American government eavesdrop on your phone, fax, or computer. They could watch you 24 hours a day seven days a week by a network of satellites able to read the print of a newspaper from space. With all this new power the government wanted to have some fun.
The first thing the government decided to do was to eliminate any organization that was always in hindering the government in anyway. First they went after the NRA they arrested every member; the government took away their guns and let them only buy pepper spray. The next group that government went after was Greenpeace. To punish Greenpeace they forced them to become whale hunters or lumberjacks. They chose lumberjacks, which entailed eating red meat and cutting down forests all day. They saved the cruelest punishment for the ACLU. They forbid the ACLU to sue anyone for one entire week. While serving the 3rd day of their punishment every member became legally insane.
The next phase of the government’s plan was to jail every critic of the government in the media. Since there was not enough room to jail twenty million people they decided to execute them instead. Bill O’ Reilly was the first to go; he was executed by spinning him over and over until he exploded. Then they executed anyone affiliated with CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, 20/20, Date Line, and Night Line just to name a few.
The third phase was to figure out how to find the sleeper agents. President Bush sent the secret service agents with m-16s to retirement homes and then to high school classes looking for people sleeping during the daytime. Then vice president Dick Cheney explained to Bush that a sleeper agent was just a figure of speech. The president looked puzzled, after the Vice President explained what figure of speech is and what an adjective is, the President finally understood. The President really didn’t understand, but figured if he said he did he would look like a faster learner. The President was never really good in English, but he was good in something. Something which he had loved to do in Texas, executing people, it was his favorite pastime.
The problem was who to execute and who not to execute. They decided to create a national ID card. The card would have your name, birthday, social security number, height, weight, eye color, hair color, skin color, finger print, voice print, retina print, D.N.A. print etc. etc. all on a holographic card so it was impossible to duplicate. This became a real problem because it would take a police officer four hours to identify you so that he could write you a traffic ticket. The government persisted and also decreed that not having your national ID card or having a fake ID card would be punishable by death. This caused the deaths of three million teenagers who were trying to buy wine coolers with fake IDs. There was also $1,000 reward for anyone who reported someone without their national ID card. This caused many dubious people to would steal ID cards and then turn in the person for the reward. By the end of the year so many people were executed that it made Stalin’s Great Purge look miniscule by comparison. In the end the terrorists
gave up because they felt the American government was doing such a fine job by itself.