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Last night I had a weird dream that I picked up again. There were no sign of me wanting to quit. It was like I left off from where I stopped 8 months ago. But I had moved back to my family home in the dream and it was during that day when this dream started. I knew it wasn’t all real because my friend who so happened to be in my dream doesn’t actually drive and for some reason he was driving a yellow school bus…
Anyway, it was just me, my friend and another guy I’ve never seen. Its summer time and it’s a warm day out because we have the driver’s window open and we’re sweating a bit. So my friend is driving us up to a little town where we work and there’s only one grocery store up there.
So we are on our way as we’re chatting about something and I don’t exactly copy everything my friend is saying, because I’m sort of staring out of the window sitting beside my friend which is in the driver’s seat. I believe my mind is occupied with whether I want to stop by the grocery and liquor store, so out of nowhere I shake my head out of my trance and said to my friend:
– “Hey man, you’re going right by the grocery and liquor store right? He slowly nods his head and looks at me with his eyes glaring at me like he knew what I was thinking.
– “Yeah, why?” He replies.
-“It is none of your business!” I tell him.
He starts to shake his head and is muttering something in disappointment. Within a few minutes he stops at a red light by the grocery and liquor store and I hop out and tell him to come get me within 20 minutes, and then he speeds away. I proudly start walking to the liquor store and start grabbing hard liquor bottles and some beers and I pay the Chinese man behind the counter with a big smile. I drank 3 beers and 2 liquor bottles within only 20 minutes, and as I start to get a bit drunk I walk over to where my friend dropped me off by the traffic lights and I see him just zoom on by and I’m yelling at him to stop. He keeps driving for another 10-20 seconds and with clumsy driving skills he pulls over to the left side of the road.
I laughed a little bit and shake my head at his bad driving skills and I quickly walked over with all my bottles in my gray backpack and then he out of nowhere decides to drive away from me, again. I’m screaming at him to stop and the drives away again for about 20-30 seconds and then stops. And because I was in my dream I was not tired and I was able to keep up with the bus, and when he finally pulled over my friend and this other guy I don’t know jumped out of the bus and started to throw rocks at me! I’m yelling at them to stop and ask why they are trying to hurt me. After a short while they finally stop, I walk towards them and my friend starts screaming:
-“Again? Really? I thought we already had this conversation, you promised me to never drink again! Think about your family and all the promises you’ve made! You shouldn’t be drinking, you almost died last time!”
As I am trying to calm him down he just shoves me down to the ground again. I somehow try to get back up but my legs won’t move! He starts saying something like:
-“I told you this day would come! Look at you now, you look awful and now you can’t even walk anymore because your body is too damaged from the alcohol intake!”
And then I just woke up. All sweaty and shaky I realized it was all just a dream! It somehow felt so freaking real. And when I do think about when I was drinking a year ago, my life was like a dream. None of it seemed real, because I wasn’t living a real life. I kept on drinking all the time, promised myself and my family to stop drinking, but I never did… I’d go to important meetings hung over and buzzed, just throwing my life and career away. I didn’t value life anymore. I felt I had no reason to live.
I couldn’t stop drinking on my own, it was nearly impossible and I ended up in two different rehabs from September to December. A.A meetings and therapy is a part of my past. I have 69 days sober today. Today, even though most days are way beyond shitty and my emotions somehow drown me, at moments I feel a genuine happiness that can’t be found in any pill or medication! I feel grateful that I can look at myself in the mirror and proudly say: “I’m not a bad person. I can’t change my past and no matter how dirty my past is, my future is absolutely spotless. I take it day by day and I do not drink no matter what. Addiction is what I had, not who I am.”