Multicontextual Family Chronology

Being clear and have a better understanding of our family structure is very important. It helps us to perceive our life in the right way. I believe life's difficulties make people stronger. Sometimes we live in a quiet and peaceful life, all of a sudden the light switch, and the boat started rocking. Suddenly, our life flips upside down. Sometimes we feel we are unable to cope with these hardships and events, sometimes we may not. We may feel powerless, alone, empty, and losing hope.

I felt this way sometimes in the past. Then I got my power back. I was able to cope really well with these events, yes it took me sometimes to get where I am now, but gratefully I did it. Through this paper, I feel I am exploring and reviewing my family history very deeply, which is leading me to self-discovery. I started my life journey with my both parents and my two old siblings. My family is very important to me.

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For help, support, and care I always turn to my family. My thoughts and behaviors influenced by my family's value. I believe a successful society depends on how the family is structured. I want to start this paper talking about two major stressful events. The first stressful event happened back in 1999, I was nine years old. My parents all of a sudden separated. This separation remained for three years then they got back together. The second event when I got separated from my partner and officially got divorced.

My parents are good parents. They are typical middle eastern, upper class married couple raising their three children with love and joy. They had their ups and downs, but I feel through these ups and downs their relationship became stronger and stronger. My siblings, and I used to watch them arguing and fighting. We most likely got used to see them acting this way. Most likely their arguments were a part of our daily life. The most painful memory I recall when I was playing with my cousin in the front yard, I was nine years old, in Istanbul, Turkey. I saw my mom walking out with her luggage and my dad was walking behind her seemed upset. He yelled "if you leave this door then don't ever come back", my mom yelled with sorrow, "I am not coming back", my immediate reaction was absolutely nothing. As 9 years old child I did not understand what is going on. My parents were unable to avoid conflict in front of us. My parents were physically and emotionally separated without divorce. My mother wanted to officially end up this marriage but my dad refused. Most likely he wanted to keep her hanging at her parents' house. Since he is a man of power and an authority figure no one was able to argue or challenge him. My parents had a high conflict over us.

Co-parenting conflict was high between them and visits arrangement to my mother was not an option to my dad. This separation was confusing and stressful for my older siblings ( two brothers). Watching my both parents apart and fighting over us affected my siblings well-being. A year later this separation started affecting me negatively. I became more isolated and had fears of being alone in any public place. I started having social, emotional and academic problems as well as my siblings had the same issues. These three years of separation had a significant risk on everyone in my family including my parents. My parents reconciled after three years of separation. I felt this separation was not the end, it was a new beginning. Both learned their lessons and both learned how to cope with their future conflicts.

Gender power in family dynamic or I would say gender role attitudes influenced my parent's life and separation. My mother had her first baby at the age of 18. She was valued because she can have babies. Her ability to have kids was the only thing that my dad appreciated her for. Her lack of power had restricted her decision making, before the separation she had no words. My father limited my mother from a lot of access because he felt it the less control she has is the better. Which increased her stress and limit her life. My mother's life roles were very traditional which made her experience a lot of emotional stress. As I stated above that their separation was the beginning of a new life. When my mom returned, she returned with power. She worked hard on herself and figured her worth and values. She built boundaries and created new roles which my dad had to follow, otherwise reconcile won't be an option.

The second event that changed my life and my family's life was my divorce. I really struggled with my marriage. Even we were in so much love, but control issues ruined our life. It turned to a stressful marriage I felt I am not able to cope with it or fix it anymore. We seeked help but did not work, Then we decided to look for another option. It was separation. Sometimes separation can be an end to a problem and can be the best option. My divorce simply changed my life for the better but changed my parent's live to the worst. The divorce was very hard on me but it changed me for the better. I feel this divorce had positive effects on me. However, it had a negative outcome on my parents. My parents feel a sense of shame because of it. They were affected by the social stigma associated with divorce. I felt my divorce was very challenging for my parents. I never been ashamed of my divorce as much as my parents are. Due to cultural beliefs, my parents believe that divorce is shameful. I had to explain to my parents that divorce is not a failure. After my dovroce I decided to focus on the positive outcomes. Because this choice and the decision is the best for me, for my ex-husband, my parents and every person been involved in this relationship and this separation. I personally feel divorce is not negative, I feel it is a powerful technique to discover myself and learn a new life lesson. I think parents should take my divorce as a lesson as well, and they should focus on the future positive outcome for me and them.

My mother and I had the same problem in our marriages. Both of us had a lack of power or actually no power over anything. Even my ex-partner was a white American. I thought living with someone from a different background can be slightly different and may have different mindsets, but had control issues. The similarity between my problem and my mom's problem helped me to cope better with the issue. My mother could not get out of her marriage, my dad power and job occupation had an impact on that. However, I was able to get out of that controlling relationship with a victory. My ex did not give me equal access to everything around me. Such as I was not able to hang out with friends, he had a map track on my phone device, the places I visit are very limited as well as extreme jealousy.

Culture and gender roles had an impact on my divorce. I feel culture values had limited my power as well as my mother's power. Women always have less power, fewer opportunities, men treat us with lower status. It is painful to live in this reality. I lived in this reality and my mother did. But on the bright side, I feel relieved and happy after getting my freedom back. I gained tremendous personal experience and professional experience. I feel I am able to understand the purpose of life, I gained a proper knowledge about family and marriage. These sad events made me and family stronger and got us closer. I feel I have a positive perspective of every even around me. I feel my parent's separation and my divorce will help me in my career as a therapist. My passion to help people led me to take the path, however; my life experiences will help to serve those who need help.

Personality, personal experience, and life knowledge are very important in my career as a therapist. Stressful and emotional situations may occur every day during my profession. I have to remain critical and have good self-control. My personal experiences have taught me how to have a good self-control and I believe this is a quality every therapist should have. I feel I can understand couples hardships, children's struggles with separated parents, cultural values and beliefs and divorce's stigma. Every little thing I have been through in my childhood and adult has a positive impact on my profession.

Finally, I spent the past nine years of my life under pressure and pain. I was emotionally, and physically unwell. I lacked motivation. I lost my energy and lost my smile. I believe sad events and negative emotions are not an easy thing to deal with. For a while, I felt I have been pulled away from my beliefs and values. I could not feel myself anymore. During my marriage, my emotions were triggered mostly every day. Now I found my inner strengths and self-worth. I am proud of myself that I was able to move on. Meditation and connecting with my inner strength were one of my tools to heal. These tools were difficult for me at the beginning, because they required me to focus, but during painful situations is hard to focus and pay attention. I decided to make my life more meaningful. I felt I need to be happy because I deserve happiness. I moved on, I healed and I increased my resilience. I feel I am a powerful woman and I can solve my problems by myself I do not need anyone to solve my problems for me. I faced difficulties and discrimination all by myself. It was not an easy thing but I successfully did it. Now my life is predictable, it is not drama-free, I still have some ups and downs in family and with my ex-partner, but I see problems from a different perspective. Now I know my rights and every woman should know their rights. Women's right or I would say gender equality starts right from our houses then it expands to society. We should be equally respected and voice our rights. I believe men need to take any action to support our rights.