Today it has been three and half years since I was sentenced to jail for four years. My life in jail is very miserable and lonely, because since I came here no one has come to see me, my family and all my friends have disappeared. Today I was sitting near a visitor area; I saw a lot of people come to visit their relatives, who have been in jail. I remember days ago, before I came to this place, how I was happy with my family and friends, but no one today is coming to see me. Now I feel rejected by every one and for me I’m very hurt by this. It’s night – one of the prisoners is sick and no doctors or nurses to help him. I started to think how it would be if this happened to me.
I remembered days ago with my family, when I was sick, they were always beside me trying to give hope, but now I’m disappointed and lonely, because no one will do that, every one who I loved has disappeared. It’s a lovely morning; I still desperate, because one of us has finished his prison term, his relatives and friends are here to take their beloved one. I started to think, when I finish my sentence, will anyone come to meet me? But I remained silent and started to think back to why all of this had happened to me.
5th December 2003
Today I finish my punishment; I feel happy to finish this, because I know that now I will join my family and friends, whom I haven’t seen for four years. We are twenty people who are being released from jail today. All my fellow prisoners have been collected by their relatives and friends but I haven’t seen anyone, although I waited for two hours, but no one came, I felt sad and disappointed for what is happening to m me now. I asked myself where all the people were who I had spent my life with before I came here; even my family is not here today. I decided to go to my house; when I reached there I was shocked and speechless, because it had changed and I met other people whom I didn’t know, they told me that they had bought that house two years ago.
I was shocked, anger and it was bitter painful to me for what my wife had done; I thought, where I will go, because I’m homeless now. I went to my brother’s house to beg for help but when he saw me, his face changed. I didn’t know why. He told me that my wife and kids had moved away after I had been sentenced to jail and he didn’t know where they were now.
I begged my brother to allow me to stay for a short time while I looked for a job and a place to live, he seemed unhappy when I said this. At last he allowed me to stay for three days and after that I would need to find somewhere I could go. I went to the room and started thinking about why my own brother was doing this to me; I was anger and frustrated for what my brother said. I thought about the time, years ago, when he had stayed with me in my house for three years and tears started to come from my eyes, when I remembered this and compared it to what he was doing to me now.
20th January 2004
Today I went back to my company, where I was working before I was sentenced to jail. I met a lot of people, who I had been working with, but they didn’t have time to talk to me, I felt rejected and unhappy. I remember, when we were working together, we were happy and we were very close, but now they were pushing me away from them. My manager told me there was no chance for me to come back; I was shocked and speechless, when he said that. I went back home and started to wonder bitterly why I have all the qualifications, but all the companies to which I applied for work turned down my applications.
It was a frustrating and sad time; I told my brother what had happened to me, but he didn’t understand; he chased me from his house and said to me, ‘I don’t care where you go or what happens to you’. I felt heart broken, because I never thought that my brother would do such a thing as this. While I was walking down the street, I saw many people playing and laughing with their families. I remembered my family when we were together and how happy we were. I sat down at the corner of the street and started to think why all of this was happening to me. I stayed there for an hour, just thinking what to do, and I decided the only way to overcome this was to commit suicide, because it was all too much.