I was 10 years old when my body began stacking up fat cells and acne began spreading across my face like a wild fire. My grandma instantly stopped serving me juice. I was cheesed. The more fat cells that bundled up across my body, the more insecurities I faced and the less self-esteem I had. Every night I would drown in a sea of my own tears. I worried that if I ate I would gain a pound. I would scream silently, as I felt my own demons hauling me down.
My friends taunted my size, my build, and my figure, as my identity became known to be fatty and not Briana. My self-esteem was broken.
I interrogated why I had to tolerate living with this thing I had as a body. I couldn’t even walk in public without feeling like everyone was looking at my every move, like they wanted to see my fat cells jiggle. I was always an outcast among my friends, as their body shapes were all society’s image of perfection.
They all wore short skirts, that barely covered half their thighs, as they showed their long, thin, tanned perfected legs freshly shaved and shiny and crop tops that exposed their toned abdomens. Then there was me wearing my over-sized, extra-large Nike hoodie and my roots grey sweat pants, to hide my imperfection. My friends always had man’s drooling over them, as for me no mans showed love my way. I tried not to care, you know to play it cool, but truthfully I cared, I always had and I always will.
I began wearing makeup to hide the gruesome acne on my face and hoped it would be a sort of distractor, that people would pay attention more to my face and not my body size.
I dreaded being fat. Sometimes I was scared to even look in the mirror afraid of what I’d see. But even without looking, I know that I am nothing but fragments of fatty cells. My eyes poured out tears almost every night, but no one seemed to noticed that they were getting significantly redder, not even my mother. I mean I can’t blame her, she already has a lot on her plate being a single mother and all, but sometimes I just wished I can crawl in her hands and just ugly cry. I scrutinized everything, the amount of calories I ate, the minutes of cardio I did and the number on the scale.
The beginning of grade 9, I decided to do those Tea detox’s, you know the one Kim Kardashian supposedly said she did. So I spent 80 bones for the detox and my meals only consisted of vegetables and chicken. I lost 14 pounds in a period of 30 days. Just like how everything in life is temporary, so was my 14-pound weight loss, as I immediately gained it back when my detox was over. I guess it’s true what they say nothing good lasts forever. My self-esteem began fading again and my insecurities grew large than a body of water. My motivational drive decayed as my insecurities rapidly devoured them. I don’t think people understand that Insecurities take away your humanity. It rips it straight from your heart and leaves an icy, gloomy, deep, black gap, that no one on this earth can fix. I would stare at myself in the mirror, naked from head to toe, picking out every little thing that most people don’t even notice, and I rejected myself for it. I will never be worth it, I will never be noticed, I will never be loved, because I am fat.
It was the summer of grade 10, I was 15 and weighed 205 pounds. Exactly 89 pounds’ overweight. My friend and I were going to Mexico the beginning of July. I had two weeks to lose as much weight as I possibly could. So I did what any 15-year-old would do and I browsed the internet. I searched for the fastest way to lose weight and I stumbled on a website that said ‘Lose 15 pounds in just 2 weeks’. I clicked to link to access this website as I was curious on what I would have to do to lose that amount of weight in such a limited amount of time. I began reading, observing, and gathering information on what this article was presenting. Basically the article was saying in order for me to lose 15 pounds in a period of two weeks, I have to go on a juice cleanse. So the only thing I can consume was juice, and no not the one my grandma would use to give me.
This juice would consist of freshly grinded vegetables such as celery, kale, carrots, ginger and a limited amount of fruits such as apples, oranges, and berries. I was not able to consume any solids what so ever for those 14 days. At first I was really spectacle, like would this juice shit actually work, then I scrolled down and read the comments. Most people were giving positive feedback, as they lost the weight. That was enough to convince me. So I bought the juice they were selling and decided to try it out for myself. Every day from that moment I received the juice I would weigh myself on the scale. I ended up losing the 15 pounds but my body did not seem to change. I looked the same. I thought I was being overly judgemental; I mean the scale showed I lost the weight. My trip to Mexico was a disaster. I was not able to digest anything I ate because my body was not used to consuming solids and I gained the weight back instantly. As time went by and I conducted more research, I realized the 15 pounds I lost were water weight that’s why there was no significant change in my body shape.
When I came back from Mexico, I realized that dumb detox’s and cleanses are just propagandas, that fool people who are desperate to lose weight, aka me. I needed to get serious, no more google, no more Kardashian tips, no more of those silly nonsense. I made my way to LA Fitness and got myself a personal trainer. I would meet up with my trainer once a week, four times a month for 30 minutes, for a period of 6 months. The days I don’t see him he would write down in my training booklet what workouts I would have to do for that specific day. I also had a nutrient who would create me a food plan of what I should be eating throughout the week.