“Never messed up with me or else, I will get back on you! ” This is the line that the people around me were used in hearing for almost 5 years, since my college days. I was such a braggart, an attention deficit student in our College Department in BS Psychology. I wanted to be always the center of attraction to anyone. All I wanted was attention, love and respect. The things which were deprived by my family, friends and peers. I can say that because of what and how people treated me when I was still in high school made me in to who I was in College and until now.
When I was in high school, I used to be the laughing stock in our room.
Why? because of how I looked. I did not appear appealing to my classmates and even teachers. They based their respect and love with looks. I was so devastated that time that it came to a point where I asked myself.
Why am I like this? Why do I look like this? Why do I have to be laughed of? Do not I have to right also to be respected and loved? All these things ruled in my mind for 4 years in high school. It was not just in school, but also in my family, in my home! They thought of me as nobody. They even didn’t recognize my achievement. I tried my best to be an honor student for them to appreciate me, but I was just frustrated.
They never did! All their attention was with my beautiful sister. My ever loving, pretty and obedient sister named Grace. They always supported her on everything she does, in everything! I was so mad at this reality! That I decided that when I finished high school, I will get my freedom. I will redeem my being back, the one they stole from me. Then I graduated high school as a Valedictorian. Never have I received any appreciation or any rewards from them. But they did not know that it was already my time to see and let them see the side of me that they would not want to see. I enrolled at a known University as a scholar.
I enrolled in BS Psychology. Then after one semester, I flanked all my subjects, I quarreled with a professor, I had a fight with Mrs. McGowan, who is the Dean of our College. I was so happy upon seeing my family suffer because of what I have done. They were so angry that their anger put me into the insanity of happiness. It was just the start of my revenge. Then second semester came, I enrolled in BS Nursing. After one week they found out that I did not paid the money they gave me which was intended for my tuition. They were horrified at this! Again, I was so happy. My mouth was filled with laughter then.
After that event, I had a physical fight with a classmate. It made the Dean of Nursing call their attention for my detention. Then a week after that, I met a Mark. Our neighbor which was my long time friend. I courted the guy. Yes! I was the one who courted him and good thing he said yes. We went out for 3 weeks then suddenly, one cold night. I asked him to elope with me. At first he said no, for surely my parents were going to kill him. But I insisted and insisted. I blackmailed him that if he won’t agree, I will kill myself. Then he finally said yes. In the morning after that, we did it.
We went to a place where nobody knew about us. In a secluded place, there we stayed for two days. After those days, I received a phone call saying that my mom had a heart attack. I was horrified upon hearing this. Even if I am such a stupid and disobedient daughter, I still love and cherish my mother so much. My mother who brought us up. The one toiled a living just for us to be in school and have a future. In hearing that bad news, I was so devastated and immediately decided to go back in our place. My boyfriend allowed me then so I immediately packed my things up and proceed to our home. I went there with my boyfriend.
When we stepped into the house, all my siblings welcomed me with arms wide open. I could feel their love and care. They were all asking forgiveness at me. They were sorry for they knew they caused me too much hurt starting from the past. We exchanged forgiveness. I have nothing to do but to forgive them. I love my siblings so much that I do not want any trouble between us anymore. After we reconciled, we then went to the hospital to visit my mom. Upon arriving their, I talked with my mom. I asked forgiveness and her too. I explained my part and poured everything that I felt from the start.
Just after I embraced my mom, she died. She held my hand so tight that I shouted from the very top of my voice. “Oh Lord! What have I done! If not of what I did, she should have been alive” talking to myself in front of the mirror. I was so guilty; my conscience was eating me up. I cried, and cried. I asked forgiveness for all the things that I have done that caused her so much hurt. I regretted the day when I decided to take my revenge against them. I was so downcast, I was so gloomy. I thought to myself, I should have been the one lying dead in the hospital bed and not my mother! I felt like I was the killer.
But my siblings hugged me and said they did not blame me for what happened. It should not have been that way if I was not eaten up by my anger. But then things already happened. I guess things happen for a reason. They happen for a specific purpose in our lives, in my life. We should learn to forgive and forget. Forgive even if that person caused you too much pain, and forget, even if the experience and hurt is unforgettable. God has a purpose in everything. He let things happen in our lives for us to become strong and firm in our faith in Him. We should learn to rely on Him and not to ourselves.
God would not give us something we can not bear. He will never leave us nor forsake us, even to the lowest valleys in our lives. He will always be there for us. I have realized that He is the only one that I need. I do not need anybody to feel love. I just need my Lord, my God! He is all that I wanted which I should have realized from the beginning. He is my only refuge and strength in times of trouble. His love is just enough and very satisfying in my soul. He is my all in all. I believe that my mother is already happy in heaven. I know she has forgiven me already. And I know she is there with God, eternally.