Depression: My Personal Experience

Categories: Depression Disorder Mental Illness

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I was just a junior in high school when I encountered the feeling of being depressed and I noticed back then when nothing was able to make me feel good or just stop. I grew up in a household of 7 people and I was the eldest of my parent’s kids. I learned that I was an adopted child when I was in sixth grade and the idea did not haunt me until I got to high school. When I got to my junior year, I have always had this feeling of just exploding in class and I do not remember how it began.

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I recall during this time there were few cases of teenage suicide due to depression but people thought it was careless of them to do so. They did not take depression seriously because they claimed that Samoans are the happiest people in the world, there is nothing to worry nor be depressed about. I grew up in a very Samoan based family so as the community or village I was being brought up in.

I never got the courage to tell anyone about my situation because I will become a laughing stock at home and in the whole village and I was terrified of what my mom would do to me if she found out. I was taught that people will laugh at pain and no one would be genuine enough to agonize with me to understand my situation. My mother taught me a lot but one thing she did not was to never let my emotions get the best of me, she would beat me up saying or so I though, that reputation and pride is worth the fight.

I will be talking about my experiences of being a depressed teenage throughout the paper and how I was able to overcome depression itself.

What is depression? Depression is more than feeling sad or it is a mood disorder that affects people and their daily lives (Holmes, 2019). The feeling of being sad and depressed can confuse people sometimes but they are both different feelings. Studies show that sometimes grieve or the mourn of a loved one’s death can be the cause of feeling depressed. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Depression is a serious medical illness that will negatively affect the way you feel, think and act.” Sadness can be dealt with such as certain factors that will help a person not dwell within their sadness but depression is not as predictable nor easy as being sad. There are different approaches to depression so as different theories being developed to understand depression and the effects. The two different theories and two different approaches will be elaborated throughout the paper to further understand depression itself so how it implies with my experience and I will emphasize Beck’s theory of depression and his studies so as the different types of depression and briefly emphasize on them.

I was only 17 when I was depressed not because I went to see the doctor and I was diagnosed but because of what I have been through or the symptoms to show that I have depression. According to the American Psychiatrist Association the symptoms that I had which qualified that I was depressed was, “feeling sad or having a depressed mood.” Sometimes I would just sit at home, school or even in church and just be all in feelings being sad not even knowing why. My feelings came to me out of the blue and when I first experienced them I did not know of a way to cope with them. Throughout my whole junior year, I was very depressed and now that I am thinking about it was probably because of what I was going through back then. My mood was just out of the blue and sometimes unexplainable why I was feeling the way I am.

Another symptom of depression according to the American Psychiatrist Association, “loss of interest or pleasure in activities enjoyed.” I enjoyed spending time outdoors and my favorite thing to do was play volleyball with my friends but right after summer 2016 I was confined within having my own personal time, staying home and do nothing but think about what went wrong. Some people such as my parents noticed that I have been staying home a lot. I did not go out anymore and they said it was a good thing but little did they know I was going through a lot and later it became a burden for me because I could not talk about what I was going through. I isolated myself from everything that mattered to me or so I thought I found comfort in. I shut everyone out and I became my own person. I did not realize what I had done just put more weight on my shoulder with the situation I was going through. My cousin who happened to be my best friend at the time noticed the changes I was going through but I still was not sure or confident to tell her about my situation.

Depression symptoms such as feeling sad or having a depressed mood, losing interest so as difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions. I was never the type to conform what other teenagers were doing. I never gave in to peer pressure, I would always find a way out and be sure that the decisions I make is all for my parents. According to the American Psychiatrist Association this was another symptom of depression, being unable to concentrate and make the right decisions. I remember this one time my mom beating me up and during this time the girls in high school resort to cutting themselves using the sharp knife within the shaving utensil. I thought cutting myself would help but no I was even more mad the fact that I got beat up and also my hand was bleeding. I guess during this time I developed the urge to kill myself, or suicidal thoughts. “Thoughts of death and suicide” was another symptom that showed person was going through depression.

My junior year in high school, not only I isolated myself from everyone and everything I also became very suicidal. I thought my pain would go away if I would just die and what I was feelings would just stop. To me during this time death was the solution to all my problems. Throughout my whole junior year, I attempted to commit suicide six times, and during those times I was having a hard time trying to understand my mom and why she beat me up or just because my emotions were just overwhelming. I have seen all sorts of hardships through television or even social media nor did I think life would be too hard because being a Samoan was simple except the “fa’alavelave’s” and chores.

According to the American Psychiatrist Association, these were all symptoms of depression I was going through in my junior year. Teenage depression is such a serious issue or mental health problem going on around the world and because they say during this time some people believe that the brain is not well developed enough so being depressed can cause emotional and physical problems. Teenage is such a serious issue that it deserves attention because it is not something that can be detected easily and the consequences are far worse (Teen depression is a serious mental health problem that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest in activity. “Mayo Clinic, n.d). The feeling of trying to figure out what I was going through and why was complicated and it destroyed the way I think and act during the time.

Depression can be explained through the different approaches and theories developed to understand the factors of depression. There are three different theories found that would help explain what I was going through, the behaviorist theory, psychodynamic theory and Beck’s theory. Depression as stated is a mental illness that affects the way people feel, think or act and these three different theories can emphasize or put depression in a more understandable term. I did not think that depression for Samoans would be common but after experiencing it and having friends who deal with the same thing I had to 3 years ago is devastating, terrified to hear that some people do not take depression seriously.

Behaviorism explains how the environments shapes one’s behavior or how it contributes to a person way of learning. It is stated that depression is the result of a person’s interaction with their environment. In using both operant and classical conditioning to explain depression and its factors. Peter Lewinsohn claims that depression is caused by a combination of stressors in a person’s environment and a lack of personal skills or mainly states that depression is caused by the removal of positive reinforcement from the environment (Lewinsohn, 1974). This proposes that a person is depressed due to what happens around them such as losing a job, a loved one or just because they do not have a certain skill they want to attain. According to Lewinsohn, people who are depressed are those who do not know of a way to deal with the fact that they are no longer receiving positive reinforcements like they were before. When I was little my family would embrace me and the things I do, learning to play piano receiving awards in school so as in church. I would always get treated like princess and also get gifts not only from my parents but also from my aunts and uncles. As I got older I guess it got complicated and because i keep making mistakes my parents were not so proud of. Behaviorism explains why I was acting the way I was because I was not getting the positive reinforcements as I used to or during this time in my junior high I lost the so called as I believed a lot of what I thought was important to me.

Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis theory was an example of the psychodynamic approach. He proposed that many cases of depression were caused by biological factors but it is not applied to all, sometimes it could be caused by the loss or rejection by parent. It is explained that depression “is like grief, in that it often occurs as a reaction to the loss of an important relationship.” This idea or theory proves that I was depressed during my junior year in high school because around this time I lost a loved one whom I fantasized about being with since I was freshmen and we’ve been together since sophomore and it was hard considering the fact that love was true. I lost someone I thought was so dear to me became another reason for my behavior and the way I acted, or so the peak of my depression. I shoved everyone on the outside, I became inconsiderate of other people and their feelings and the way they are trying to help. Freud distinguish between loses that can actually cause someone to be depressed, he explains why and how each individual should address the issue. Later after examining the different loses he finalized that losing objects is normal and depression is because of a severe super-ego.

The cognitive approach on depression is based on people’s belief and not so much on their behaviors. Aaron Beck, a major cognitive theorist studied people suffering from depression and found that they see events in a negative way. He developed three factors he thought was responsible for depression. The cognitive triad, negative self-schemas and errors in logic. He uses these three mechanism to explain people and the way they are suffering because of depression. The cognitive triad as Beck explains is basically negative thinking or thoughts about self, the world and the future. In one point during my depression phase I was so negative about everything not only myself, those around me or the whole world and what will become of my future. I noticed that a person can have all they want and get but still be depressed or unhappy about the way they are living life. I was not a very sentimental person because I was too busy crushing myself with my negative thoughts.

Beck also states that depressed people develop a negative self-schema or a set of negative beliefs about themselves that are vulgar and pessimistic. It is stated that a negative self-schema may be acquired during childhood manly an event that happened when little would trigger this and one of them was, “parental rejection, criticism, over protection, neglect or abuse.” I remember that when I was very young they say that Samoan discipline is the only way the kids will learn. In some ways it is true but then there are worse consequences after this. Some kids whom are being abuse by their parents because of drugs would run away or commit suicide. I was always abused by my parents because of my attitude, behavior in school or church or because they heard false information. Sometime the beatings can be too much to just stay quiet so I scream. This leads to making errors in logic, they tend to forget the most important information and make misleading decisions and they are unable to reason their way out of it.

I was told that I can never be very careful about what I do and because during this time I was not really in the mood of listening or paying attention to what my family or friends were trying to talk me into. I developed symptoms to show that I was depressed, just now figured the why and how depressed I was, connecting my experiences with studies made to prove or show the result of data from studying people who are going through depression.

Depression can be defined in a way when a person is going through tough trials and are trying to find a way to cope with themselves (Beck, 2016). There are mainly seven different kinds different according to Schimelpfening elaboration. There is the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Persistent Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Postpartum Depression, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and Atypical Depression. These different types of depression have different triggers also certain people who experiences them. Each of these types of depression concludes within a person very environment and there are certain mood swings and things a person would be put through under a certain type of depression.

As mentioned, depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Clinical depression also known as Major Depressive Disorder, it contrives the way a certain person feels, think and behave and it can lead to a bunch of emotional and physical problems. Persistent Depressive Disorder as described by Schimelpfening, it refers to a chronic depression that lasts for days. Dysthymia is also known as a persistent depressive disorder but to the mood disorder consisting of the same cognitive and physical problems as depression. It is not as bad or severe but the symptoms will last long. It is a form of chronic depression that will cause people to lose themselves or the interest in doing their normal activity. There are certain people I know of who were very consistent in doing chores at a very specific time every day in the morning. As time passes by they lose interest in doing so, it was just like my experience when I lost interest in trying to go back to play with my friends at the volleyball court.

Postpartum Depression is commonly seen through pregnant woman. This is when going through hormonal shifts that will affect their moods. This type of depression can begin from a persistent level of sadness that will require medical treatment. The fifth kind of depression is called the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder it produces the same symptoms as premenstrual syndrome but these moods are more pronounced. Seasonal Affective Disorder is experiencing depression, sleepiness and weight gains. Seasonal mainly feeling depressed as the season pass by. People will go through seasonal depression and deal with it in the winter months and will feel fine as if nothing happened in spring.

The last type of depression is called the Atypical Depression. Experiencing signs of depression such as overeating, sleeping too much and then just extremely not noticing finding yourself at a positive event. This sort of depression it “does not follow what was thought to be the typical presentation of the disorder.” It is well common and seen throughout other people and unlike other depressions people who tend to have atypical depression respond better to an antidepressant known as a monoamine oxidase inhibitor. These are the seven different types of depression and different symptoms a person experiences.

In my junior year, I experienced all sorts of symptoms and all of them as mentioned above. I was experiencing was it was called as Schimelpfening explained a Major Depressive Disorder in other terms clinical depression. I believe was going through this because I lacked interest in activities I normally enjoyed and changes in sleep also having thoughts of death and suicide. In due time I guess I got comfortable and I was able to share about my problem and later on the only person who stood for me happened to be my first cousin.

People diagnosed with depression go through a lot and sometimes need medical treatment to overcome their situation. In my case, I guess all I needed was someone to share to and agonize with the pain that I had. As days go by, I get stressful by the minute and one day I was having extreme suicidal thoughts that I attempted to commit suicide. I can never forget it was late in the afternoon on December 16, 2015 my conditions almost led me to my death. This is proof that what I was going through was a clinical depression and I suffered day and night to fight my conscious figuring what led to the way I was and how to overcome it.

Luckily my cousin came in not too late and she got on her knees and begged me that pain for my parents will be bigger than what I was going through. I told her nothing is going to make me normal anymore and she was willingly ready to jump with me. I am not sure about what snapped through me but later I felt as if my eyes and soul have been cleansed of the dark thoughts I had and more or so I felt like my burdens have been lifted. Being depressed is never something anyone has to go through alone and it should also be a wake-up call to everyone. Depression is a serious mental illness that needs to dealt with or the consequence becomes major problems on island.