I knew I shouldn’t have done this, not like this, not today… Not any day. I can’t turn back now, it’s too late for that, and in fact it was too late 3 hours ago, sitting on the plane… I stare out of the window trying to look at the New York streets, but the shapes are a meaningless blur. There’s hardly any green, I notice every colour of the rainbow, but no green. It’s nothing like home –Snap out of it- I tell myself sternly.
I look at the hole that I dug in the tired upholstery of the worn seat, “That’ll be 24 dollars, doll,” the cabbie says, his tone of voice clearly implying that this wasn’t the first time he was trying to get through to me but his face is a mask of nonchalance and amusement, it’s like he has two personalities that are fighting to show in one way or another… Stiffly and without looking him in the eyes, I put a $50 bill in his hand and leave, not waiting for change.
The pungent smell of car fumes was unbearable; so was the amount of people.
To be quite honest, the whole city came as a huge surprise, the images in books lied, or maybe they hadn’t and I made it out to be more perfect than it actually was… Most people were thankfully keeping to themselves, though some were openly staring; their icy glares like knives on my back.
Others were something I’d call rather eccentric, one woman with a homeless sign looked up and smiled, a toothless genuine smile, I would have given her money, if not for her eyes; they looked like grey polished stones, dead eyes in a live body –Don’t look into anybody’s eyes- I remind myself.
Another man laughed at a joke that only he seemed to hear. Right then I realized I had stayed in this street for far too long… As I walk I look up into the bruised sky, it’s dotted with greyish clouds; I have the sudden urge to clear them away to see nothing but the flares of the celestial sun casting a dreamy haze upon the sky, announcing the arrival of twilight.
I can’t hear crickets- I didn’t expect to, though I guess it would be nice to think I was back –You don’t even have a home- I think bitterly. I hadn’t realized I walked this far but I find myself face to face with the Empire State Building… My mind starts to wonder what it would be like to step out one of the highest windows, just floating, flying at peace like a weightless bird.
The last seconds of my life, stretched to minutes, but then would one feeling be worth hitting the ground in the end? It’s not like I would mind dying, not now, with no family or a place I could call home without thinking twice about it. –Stop it right now! – My inner voice tells me…. –Happiness lays somewhere in your future- it carries on, but I don’t listen, I have made up my mind, and there was only one road I could take now. I Cyan Kaylock, had a mission… I had to prove them wrong.