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Psychoanalysis begins. Monday morning, it was a big rush. I had to pack the kids’ lunches and watch after them as they left for school. It was Kelly’s first day at junior school, and Michelle’s at secondary school. I don’t know why, but as I shut the front door I had flash backs of my first day at secondary school. I got worried. Michelle is a lot like me when I was her age. To my children, I am a normal nice mother, ordinary like everyone else’s mother. That is how they see me. They know nothing about my past… It was an excruciatingly hot and sunny day – July 30th 1993.
I dreaded the moment the sunrise began. I felt a huge lump at the back of my throat, my head was pounding, and droplets of cold sweat trickled down my forehead. I used to be a normal, quiet, and well behaved person but, all that changed when I met Camryn Barnes. After the first three times, I promised myself I would never do it again. Yet here I was with the hammer in my hand smashing the new lock on the school gate. It fell to the ground making a loud sudden noise, which made me jump even though it was expected. I ran towards the school building, but the school doors were all locked up.
After approximately an hour of struggling through one of the technology department windows, I managed to squeeze in. I ran to Dr Daniel’s office, pushing the door open. There, looking up at me with his beady black eyes was Cuddles – Dr Daniel’s hamster. I had my equipment ready and then I opened the cage door picking up the small rodent with my trembling hands. I whispered to him in the darkness, “Don’t worry, it’ll only take a second. ” I reached into the back of my threadbare jeans pockets and pulled out the razor sharp penknife. Tears poured down my face. One, Two, Three. I did it.
My hand was drenched in fresh, warm blood. I dropped Cuddles on the floor and retreated back to the technology department. I can still remember the cold beady eyed stare Cuddles had given me as I pulled the pocket knife out of him. I recollect a similar expression from the past victims. I got back to Camryn a lot quicker this time. Camryn was pacing outside and when she saw me she signalled to me to hurry up. I half jogged and half ran. When I reached her, she caught hold of my wrist and pulled me along with her. I glanced at her beautiful tanned face and saw the contented smile displayed along her lips.
I could almost hear her heartbeat, and taste her idea of sweet satisfaction. When we reached her house, she dragged me to her bedroom then leapt onto her red crumpled bed and kicked off her scuffed trainers. “Did you do it? Did you ‘top the pint sized rat? ” she asked with enthusiasm. There was a malicious gleam in her green eyes. I nodded staring at my sweaty bloodstained hands. There was a huge lump in the back of my throat, my stomach churned. I couldn’t take it any more, “You said we’d never do it again! Wasn’t killing Jackie’s budgie, Peter’s cat and Ellie’s turtle enough? Why Dr Daniel’s hamster? Why?
” Camryn stood up with a frown creasing up near her finely plucked eyebrows. “What’s wrong with you? Dr Daniels failed me in English! I worked so hard for him! He got what he deserved! ” A sudden anger flushed through my body, “Like the others got what they deserved?! ” Looking at Camryn, and seeing her satisfied realization from her manipulation, I had to leave. I walked home, showered and then lay in bed. I remember glancing at my digital clock… it read 6:16am. I tried so hard, but failed to fall asleep. It was only a few hours, but seemed like days passing by. Eventually my mother came into my room to see why I was not ready for school.
“I don’t feel well,” I murmured. Mother carelessly shook her head and left me alone. A month ago I used to be really close to my mother, but now I just seem to want to push her away and out of my life. It was almost as if I surrendered everything I loved for Camryn. My mother, my old friends and, my self respect. Eventually I fell asleep. Beneath my closed eyes, my thoughts swivelled in front of my eyes. All I saw was beautiful, cold water, ripples glistening. That was where I wanted to be. I woke up and changed into my favourite clothes. I knew what I was doing. I felt dizzy but ignored the queasy feeling.
I sat on the floor and scribbled a note for my mother. I used to write little poems to my mother ages ago. I knew that was what I had to do now. I still remember what I wrote in the poem, word for word. “June year 1993, on the 25th day, The day I changed, stopped to pray, I made promises, made to break, But it’ll be over, whilst I lie in this lake, I feel like I’m, spiralling into a deep dark hole, Hopefully this depth, can contain my soul, What I’m trying to say, dear mother, I’m Sorry, For pretending to be so upbeat and jolly, Sorry mum, I didn’t mean to, I’ll be thinking of you through and through. “