Today, it cannot be denied that the liberation of the women (will be better to change to the women’s liberation) from domestic duties and subservient status has actually brought them an independently social equal position or superior to that of men. Women today are very active as they take part in many social functions of the communities, and have achieved (achieve – it might be dangerous to use simple present and present perfect in a joined- sentence, take a safer way ^0^) great successful (successes – should be a noun not adjective) in life.
In any ( various, a vast amount of – I’m not quite sure about using “any” here, it’s fine when you translate to Vietnamese, however, it’s pretty rare to see such sentence in English document) countries around the world, many of ambassadors, ministers, commander-in-chiefs and senators are women. Some believed that women are excellent managers, since they are patient and prudent to solve the difficulties and urgent problems rather than being impatient like men.
For instance, the recent survey points out that in Europe women held 23.2% of the seats in the Congress, however, in Sweden and Finland the number increases to 42% (The point is this example doesn’t seem to prove the above statement, take another one which should be related to a situation requiring being patient – customer complainning, for instance). Besides, many people think that women earn (more) than three-fourth as much as men actually, women’s weekly earnings were 75% of men’s which show the women’s ability compared to men.
Women are also working in every fields of life. They are serving the nation in the same way like (as) the men (are), more than 70% of them are in the labor force. Women is flying the airplanes, they are doctors, engineers, lawyer ….and more than a mother. Today (Avoiding using such word, it will lower you mark ) many girls (young females) graduates (graduate) from high schools and enroll in colleges or universities then become successful managers or even the chairmans of a big company (to increase the mark try to use words like : multination corporation, enterprise). Women can learn, start a business and they can become billionaires just like the men.
In conclusion, women today are treated more fairly, they can vote, do politics, run a business, and their ability to work in any aspects in life such as education, economics, laws, entertainment… shows that women are not behind in any case than a man. But (never ever use “but” to begin a sentence) in many part of the world, there is still gender discrimination which must be fought against.
To be fair, this is a good assignment, well done.
However, you can do even better if you focus on :
+ To list various things, never use “…”, for example such as education, economics, laws, entertainment…
=> must be changed into such as education, economics, laws, and entertainment It must be that way to get a band 7 or 8 in the test
+ Never use “but”, “and”, to start a sentence -> there are more, try to search for them
+ Avoiding using many, today, and words that show personal opinions, it is more academic to use passive voice.
+The provided arguments are not strong enough, do more research before writing will help
Courtney from Study Moose
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