Summary Demonstration of Understanding In Hurt People Hurt People, Sandra D. Wilson (2001) explicates that people that get hurt by people, tend to hurt other people. In doing so, this kind of behavior and led to a vicious continuous cycle that creates relational and generational hurts. Wilson (2001) found that, “All of us have been hurt by people who all were hurt by other people; we, as hurt people all have hurt other people” (p. 9).
In addition, to relational and generational hurts, Wilson (2001) found that “actions, words, and attitudes that are intentional or unintentional, visible or invisible, hands-on or hands-off, other perpetrated or self-inflicted and barely survivable to hardly noticeable” (p. 9). When Dr. Wilson started out discussing how all people have been hurt in life, whether they intentionally hurt people or not, she emphasizes the fact that in most instances, hurt people hurt other people.
In her presentation of how hurt people hurt people, she explicates that “resulting wounds and injuries we usually call physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, verbal, or spiritual neglect, or abuse” (Wilson, 2001, p. 9). However, the emotional scars and wounds from betrayal and hurt sometimes are not visible, because there may not be any forms of physical abuse, but are deep emotional scars that can affect the well-being of a person for a very long time.
In Dr. Wilson’s Hurt People Hurt People, she explicates how to assess clients and get them to talk about their upbringing and in most instances, their childhood have deep emotional scars (Wilson, 2001). Wilson (2001) found that “when parents are distracted by their own unhealed wounds, the pain demands all their attention and drains the emotional energy needed to instruct children. And distracted parents are unavailable parents” (P. 37 – 38). In most instances, these parents have unresolved emotional scars from their own childhood and have to cope with their own hurts and because of it; they unintentionally hurt their children with similar hurts from their past. Dr. Wilson explicates that when this occurs, it becomes a continuous cycle.
To put much emphasis on relational and generation hurts, Dr. Wilson related her personal hurts to the misbeliefs of Backus & Chapian. Backus &Chapin (2000) found that “the direct cause of emotional turmoil, maladaptive behavior, and most so-called mental illness” was misbeliefs (p. 7). Therefore, some misbeliefs that people tend to hold on too, usually lead to anxiety, depression, self-hate, and the fear of change (Backus & Chapian, 2000). In chapter 6, Dr. Wilson talks about the (3) – three questions that relates to thousands of choices that people make after living for many years.
These choices were in response to three questions that every person answers several times from the moment of birth. These questions are “Can you I be safe, can I be me, and can I be accepted” (Wilson, 2001, p. 3)? Although these questions navigate a reciprocal response, the earliest responses to these three questions came from religious origins, which shaped or enhanced our personal, relational, and spiritual decisions in life. Although responses may differ, Wilson found (2001) that “We should not be surprised that our responses to these three questions depend on the level of safety, security, and stability we sensed in our first universe—our family” (P. 73). In response to the first question—can we be safe?
Many concluded that if their home that they grew up in were stable, then as children, they could depend or their parents or someone else in the community to meet their needs. However, this type of generalized thinking led some children think that when parents could not meet their needs that God exaggerated the parent. As many children got older, they found out that if their parents exemplified the characteristics of trust worthy parents, then maybe they would be able to trust God to bless them and keep them safe in the affairs of life (Wilson, 2001).
As children got older, they begin to realize that God never promised them that life would not become difficult or immune for the trials and tribulations of this world. Nevertheless, as children got older, they concluded that life was full of uncertainties and unyielding risks. In contrast, if a child was born into a less prominent environment where the household was unstable, then many of those children would get by the best way that they could and somehow stopped trusting God because of the way that their parents treated them (Wilson, 2001). The second question was—can I be me?
This allowed each child to validate itself and to develop human authenticity, which helps it to look at where he or she is in life and accept its shortcomings, faults, and unpleasant experiences. Dr. Wilson stated that although these children have unpleasant experiences that they needed to be honest with themselves and trust God (Wilson, 2001). The third question was—can I be accepted? “People don’t have relationships, they are relational” (P. 77). In this approach, Dr. Wilson explained how people felt the need to want a part of a relationship by being accepted.
She uses a biblical model to be effective, which summarizes the contrasting choices made in different types of families. Although to most Christian counselors would probably go with the biblical model, she explicated that she was more familiar with the second question (Wilson, 2001). Synthesis of the whole Dr. Wilson recognizes that in a vicious cycle of where people are being hurt, it can lead to a feeling of uselessness. Wilson (2001) found that, “when we hurt, we need some hope to believe that there really is some help for us to stop hurting – or at least to hurt less” (p. 1).
Dr. Wilson’s theory of change did not appear to be a problem, but it was a way to prone our thinking and it helped us to make better choices and be consistent with practices that would eventually lead to change. Dr. Wilson believed that some people needed more healing before they could experience God’s life changing love. Crabb believes that in order to get people to change, the secular and Christian counselors goals has to differ. He also believes that there are certain questions that each counselor needs to ask him or herself doing the therapeutic process.
One of the ultimate questions that I believe that we should asks ourselves as counselors before we engage into dialogue with our clients is—what are we trying to change (Crabb, Jr. , 1977)? The answer to that question expounds on other questions like “what kind of results will we produce from the change and what is our ultimate goal” (Crabb, Jr. , 1977, p. 137)? Crabb further expresses in his book that “some counselors try to change the goal. Too really change the goal; it requires a person to change his or her way of thinking. ” (1977, Crabb, p. 140).
Therefore, a person must change his or her mindset in order to change their choices. Dr. Crabb also believes that many counselors forget a vital necessity when integrating/multitasking, which is weighing all of your options and doing a self-evaluation (Crabb, Jr. , 1977). Dr. Wilson recognizes that in order to see developmental changes take place in a client, self-evaluation will be difficult, but it is essential to be effective in the therapeutic process. She alleges that if a person agrees to be loyal to living out their choices, it could create real change in their lives (Wilson, 2001).
Interaction with the text Dr. Wilson book challenged me to multitasking in the various methods and models she uses to help the counselor be more effective when trying to help people change. I noticed some of the techniques that she used to prone my thinking—like the various things to consider when trying to make the right choices. For example, choices like in a marriage, different ways to view additions, coping strategies, how to build healthy relationships, and make myself aware of secret life syndrome being a spiritual leader myself.
How some pastors struggle with addictions of their own, while counseling clients. This book enhanced my way of thinking and it is awesome! Evaluation of the Strengths and Weaknesses1 One of the major strengths that I found in Dr. Wilson’s book was how she dealt with confronting and dealing with the past hurts. Dr. Wilson (2001) found that people never “put our pasts behind us when we’ve never put them before us” (p. 96). In addition, Dr. Wilson also reported that if we “choose to know God and put Him on the throne of our lives, we will begin to live by his rules” (Wilson, 2001, p. 7).
Dr. Wilson also believes that we should total up the cost to help change the lives of people who have to cope with their past. Dr. Wilson has expressed her views about the requirements that need to take place before recovery can take place or before healing can take place from past hurts. It is essential that each person deal with his or her past. One must take an inventory of his or her past and deal with it, then that person must be forgive before healing process can begin. She also believes that true forgiveness only come from using biblical concepts (Wilson, 2001).
This book revealed some things to me in from a different perspective. The several things in Dr. Wilson’s book spurred my thinking—especially with some of the effective methods that she uses for multitasking. For example, “the healing for self-inflicted wounds H. O. P. E. chart” in which ultimately leads to a healing process that can help people see the truth, make new choices, and develop new practices (Wilson, 2001, p. 122). Strengths The book had several counseling grids and methods, which allows counselors to help people to seek change.
One of strengths of this book is its unified integration of psychological and theological concepts. Weaknesses—I wished she had incorporated more Scripture in her multitasking methods. She lacked concepts that are more biblical, the methods where centered on her personal experiences and she used psychological and theological concepts. Although the scope of the book is psychological and theological concepts, they were based more on her past and familiar hurts and some people may encounter different ways of approaching their dilemmas.
Integration of material Dr. Wilson reveals these techniques as she skillfully integrates beliefs from psychology and theology to shape an overall effective model of change. The methods and approaches in this book have fundamental practices that incorporate integration of psychological and theological concepts. Dr. Wilson is not afraid to use different techniques and methods that will enable people change. Nevertheless, she strongly emphasizes the significance of having a relationship with God, which could essentially lead to ultimate healing.
In addition to these methods and techniques that Dr. Wilson uses, she also chooses to bring into scope her own personal childhood experiences and parental faults (Wilson, 2001). The lectures help us see a comprehensive theory and different types of counseling systems that Dr. Wilson incorporates in Christian counseling. Much like McMinn, she uses psychology, theology, and spirituality. Analysis and critique From a personal perspective, I believe that the book is organized and presented in a way that the reader can understand. I did not find the book confusing at all. In fact, I thought that this book was awesome.
It gave different educational models to use to be effective in my approach to counsel people that have been hurt in relationships. The ultimate goal that I see in the book is to help people make better choices, how to cope with painful experiences and to equip the Christian counselor with methods and system that will enable him or her to help victims to cope with deep emotional scars and keep victimizers from repeating the same vicious cycle of hurting people. Personal Reflection and Application The book topic is relevant to me because I have been a victim of being hurt in former relationships.
I survived two bad marriages with spouses that did not want to try to resolve our martial problems. Since I have been a victim of psychological and emotional distress, this book allowed me to see a more comprehensive approach when I am trying to minister to the needs of people who have similar struggles. I had a couple of former women to tell me that I hurt them because I had been hurt. They said that all they were trying to do was love me and that I put up a wall. Life episode Years ago, I dated a girl that was younger than I was.
I was much older than she was and to my knowledge, I was her first love. I was involved with a woman my own age at the time, but she pursued me relentlessly until we had an intimate relationship. When we stopped seeing each other, she went on with her life and I went on with mines, but when I would see her out in public, she would avoid speaking to me. So one night she was at the club and I went up to the table to sit down and asked her why she would not speak to me in public. I told her that although we parted our ways, I still cared for her as a friend.
I told her that it hurt me to see that she was bitter at me like that. After all those years, she finally told me why. With tears rolling down her cheeks, she said to me, “you hurt me Danny! ” She said, I really loved you Danny and all you ever did was run up behind children’s mother and she did not love you as I did because I saw some of the things that she was doing to you behind your back. She said that I kept telling her that she was too young to fall in love with me that I wanted her to experience life and date other people, but she said that she did not want to date other people.
She explicated that all she wanted to do was love me. To this day, I regret hurting her and sometimes I wonder if I had built a relationship with her, I may still be a happily married man today. Personal application I will use this book and the methods to enable me to counsel people who have been hurt in relationships and have emotional scars from their childhood. The effects of this comprehensive theory to Christian counselors will help the counselees heal from past and present hurts. My suggestion to anyone that wants to use these methods does it with simplicity and bring honor to God.
Courtney from Study Moose
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