Somebody knocks on door: – Who is there? – Police? – What do you want? – We want to talk. – How many of you are there? – Two. – So talk with each other. There are two types of guests: the ones, who want to stay longer, and the ones, who want to go home asap. Strangely enough, these two types are normally found in married couples. What’s worse than eating an apple and finding a worm? Eating an apple and finding half a worm. Plants discuss: Broccoli: “It seems to me that I am like a tree. ” Walnut: “And I’m like little brains. ” Mushroom: “Ha, but I look like an umbrella. “
Banana: “I do not like this conversation… ” Men are having a good time in bar, just one sits sad. – Peter, why are you so sad? – My wife was diagnosed with AIDS… Men, just kidding. Why all of you get so scared? A singer during his tour arrives to a small province town and asks for a pretty high fee: – Everybody knows me – says he to the chairman of local culture office, trying to persuade him. Finally the concert takes place, but only three people came to it. – You are a liar, you told me that everyone knows you, but only three man came to your concert, – rebels the chairman.
– Of course, – says the singer – only those three came, who didn’t know me. In a restaurant: – What would you like to eat? – I would prefer to read the menu first. – If you want to read, go to the library. A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman to place 10 mugs and fill in with the beer. The bartender places mugs and starts filling them. The guy follows him and drink beer immediately. The bartender asks: -Why are you so in a hurry? -If you would have, what I have, you would be also in a hurry. The bartender steps back a little bit and asks: -And what do you have? -Somewhere around 70 cents.
Funny jokes from daily life – Imprisonment A mother writes a letter to her sun, who is in a prison. – Dear sun, life’s so hard for me since they took you to a prison: nobody digs a vegetable garden, nobody plants potatos… The sun writes back to her mother: – Mom, please stay away from the garden. If you start digging it, the police may come and both take you to a prison and prolong mine imprisonment.. Mother writes back to her sun: – Darling, together with your last letter police came. They digged all over the garden, but haven’t found anything. The left being extremely frustrated. Sun writes his mom:
– I helped as much, as I could with this. Please plant the potatos by yourself. Funny jokes from daily life – A shot – Doc, isn’t it harmful to drink a shot before eating? – No it’s not, if you don’t eat too often… Funny jokes from daily life – Glasses – Doc, I think I need to wear glasses – Indeed you have to, you are in a bank. Funny jokes from daily life – Concert The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir: – You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here. – But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
Funny jokes from daily life – Stupid I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it. Funny jokes from daily life- Teeth VS Tongue Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you’ll get cut. Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out. Funny jokes from daily life – the Boss A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car. “That is amazing” the employee was fascinated. “That is true” replied boss “and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year”. Funny jokes from daily life – Compliment
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore… Funny jokes from daily life – Driving Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman? Funny jokes from daily life – Vacation – Where are you going for vacation this year? – I checked my budget and decided that I didn’t get tired. Funny jokes from daily life – fat It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat. Funny jokes from daily life: Does laugh prolong life?
– Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes? – It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it… Funny jokes from daily life – Device At the Court discussion between judge and villager: – So you was propeling surrogate alcohol? – Me? No! – What do you mean no? You have a device for that… means propeled. – Then please judge me also for rape… – So you have raped someone also? – Well no… but I have a device… Funny jokes from daily life – Old woman The old woman comes to a gynecologist. He inspects her and says with the surprice:
– An old woman, you’re pregnant! How did you managed at your age…? Oh, those teens. They always asks to tell them everything, then show and give to try… Funny jokes from daily life – A fool On a beach a man shouts at another man: – Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: – Son, stop playing the fool. Funny jokes from daily life – A high fives You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six fingers…. high fives would be different. Funny jokes from daily life – Debtor The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
Funny jokes from daily life – Folk Our folk not only knows how to read between the lines but also how to leave a record between the eyes. Funny jokes from daily life – At the shop – Can I help you? – No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi. Funny jokes from daily life – A false image I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already. Funny jokes from daily life – Riches Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike. Funny jokes from daily life – Assurance I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure. Funny jokes from daily life – A fence Why is there a fence around the cemetery? Because people are dying to get in. Funny jokes from daily life – 100 dollar bill A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it. Funny jokes from daily life – Rolls A family bought an apartment and started interior decorations. Wife tells her husband: – Honey, go to the neighbors and ask how many rolls of wallpapers they have bought when they were decorating their walls.
The husband went to the neighbors and he was told: – Twelve rolls. The family bought twelve rolls, started decorating but at the end six rolls were left unused. Angry husband goes to the neighbors: – Hey you, shitty pigs, couldn’t you have told me the truth? We have six rolls left now. – We have six rolls left as well, – answered the neighbor. Funny jokes from daily life – Claustrofobia – What is Claustrophobia? – This is a fear of closed space. For example, you go to a store for a beer and are afraid that it will be closed. Funny jokes from daily life – Yard How many feet are in the yard?
That depends on how many people are standing in it. Funny jokes from daily life – Stupid passengers The policeman stops the driver and says: – You won 500 dollars for wearing a safety belt. What will you do with the winning? – I do not know, probably will pass the exam for a driving license… Then his wife says: – Do not listen! He always talk like that when he is drunk. Passenger from rear wakes up: – I told you that we won’t go far away with the stolen car! At the same time voice from the trunk: – Have we already crossed the border? Funny jokes from daily life – Smoking.