In the course of life that we take, we are bounded by emotions that we feel when we are at our best or at our worst. We do get disappointed at times, when the dreams that we have were stolen in an unimaginable way. And in facing such incidents, we feel guilt, anger and pain. We try to forgive but sometimes, we just can’t. Yes, we can take certain pains in our lives but the hardest part is to forgive the person who did something bad to you. We love and get loved, but we also hurt others and get hurt as well. Being sorry is not the most difficult thing to do.
In fact, saying the word “sorry” is probably the easiest thing to say when you made a mistake. You have an endless supply of apologies in your life. Thank God for it. For some, sorry saves their faces very well. But for me, sorry is just another worn- out everyday word. Accepting it from someone is not the issue, forgiving is. When you say that “I can forgive but I can’t forget”, it is as good as saying that you won’t really forgive. Too bad, forgiving is not as easy as saying sorry. People say that you should forgive in order to gain peace and joy.
Let’s get real; if much pain was experienced then it would be really hard to forgive. I know that holding a grudge in your heart does no good. It only increases the expense of anger. But then again, when the pride eats you up, you just can’t let it go especially when you are completely disgusted by the memory lane. We do want reruns in some chosen experiences, specifically those that were woven by lies. But at some point in time, we would be yearning for a complete encore of everything, whether good or bad. Since we haven’t forgiven the person who hurt us before, then maybe, it’s possible for us to take another shot.
Give him or her another chance. Let the love bug bite you again. You could make the same mistake and in my case, I made him my favorite mistake. For a month or so, I felt emotions that were somewhat superficial, thinking if the rerun was all worth it. Honestly, I can’t seem to enjoy my favorite mistake. At the back of my mind, I know that this mistake can leave me helpless again. I tried to enjoy it but with all the cautions I can think of and I prepared myself if and when my favorite mistake decides to play its game on me again. I haven’t been keeping track of time when it happened.
Generally speaking. I didn’t even recognize that some things did change already. I’ve been feeling the change before but I’m just too busy ranting about it and not accepting the change. There are lots of mind games and I know that I need a breather from all the pain that he caused me. I didn’t talk because I don’t want to and I didn’t smile because I don’t need to. The waters will not always be still. There was a time when I really wanted to take the plunge. Never the fast way, had I told myself. And so I decided to only dip my feet.
I enjoyed the feeling of satisfying coldness. It made me went deeper until the water reached my knees, and then eventually, my waist. Suddenly, I found myself completely submerged in the waters. I immediately rose and got out of it. I know I should have taken that swim, but I’m too scared to totally disturb the waters. I was afraid that I will walk away and probably won’t come back. In a snap of a finger, the thing I feared the most happened. My favorite mistake lost his chance again and played the usual game. I knew it was coming but I wasn’t ready for it.
And so I have no choice but to take a stroll down the road of heartaches and disappointments. I got hurt in a way that I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have to let it go and forgive. The things I wanted so bad a year ago won’t be the same things that I’ll die for right now. Forgiveness isn’t really as easy as breathing. It takes a lot of courage and resilience from the bad memories. You have to go through a phase of realization that it is not entirely your fault. Keep in mind that there is still room for healing and starting anew. Dreams can come true, but sometimes, they’ll just come crashing down on you.
Courtney from Study Moose
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