The book basically talks about the different ways on how to win friends and become popular. Dale Carnegie gives different tips on how to make different people like you, and how to make others accept and believe in what you are thinking. Carnegie basically makes it easier for readers to understand more effective relationship styles. Carnegie used to teach general public speaking. However, he realized that such wasn’t enough for effective business and felt that his students lacked the skill of simply making friends with new people, which is why he made a book on how to make new friends and other relational issues.
Dale Carnegie also felt that he lacked such skills himself. So this is a two way experience for him, both teaching and learning at the same time. Digging in to the deeper purpose of creating such book, the Carnegie Institute of Technology made a study which showed that a financial successful person owes 15 percent to their technical knowledge and the rest to “skill in human engineering-to personality and the ability to lead people” (Carnegie, 1964).
Another reason was that, it is easy to find applicants who had the perfect skills for their jobs- engineering, medicine, accounting, you name it, there are plenty of skilled professionals out there. However, there are not a lot who possess such skills and at the same time have the ability to have effective interpersonal communication and relational skills, which is why Dale Carnegie developed a book which serves as a manual for those who lack such skills. Lastly, there is a need for a book which basically serves as a guide for dummies on how to get other people to like them and how to find more friends.
Becoming an effective leader is also a part of what the book teaches, and is what readers will get out of reading it. During the first part of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, he talks about the basic styles and techniques that you can handle people. He basically had three principles in this topic. The first principle is to work with people without criticizing, condemning or complaining. It is important for aspiring leaders to omit such acts because people will not follow a leader who does not listen to what they are saying.
The second principle says to “give honest and sincere appreciation” (Carnegie, 1964). According to Carnegie, flattery is always effective. Of course, everybody wants to feel good. It is so effective in fact that “Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery” (Carnegie, 1964). However, the negative thing with flattery is that, it is fake and insincere. What Carnegie suggests is for us to give out something positive and honest- which is called appreciation. There is always something positive in everybody, and that is what every effective leader needs to look for.
The last principle is to get from other people the “eager want”. Carnegie mentioned that, we should not talk about what we want, because nobody else will listen to us. Instead, we should talk about something we know others would like to talk about. This will definitely get them interested, especially in doing something for you. Part two of the book discusses the different ways to get people to like you. The first principle tells us to become genuinely interested in other people. Carnegie used his dog as an example or even just dogs generally.
They did not study psychology to know how people could like them. They simply liked people genuinely, which is why people liked them back. If you like someone, it becomes almost impossible to resist liking you back. If you genuinely like other people, then you will be welcome anywhere you go (Carnegie, 1964). The next principle is fairly easy and sounds quite simple. However, it is forgotten most of the time, and people forget the magic that it does. One word: Smile. Carnegie mentioned that the smile that people wear on their faces is far more important than what clothes they wear.
And the saying “actions speak louder than words” is very true. Smiles are very important because they say “I like you, you make me happy. I am glad to see you. ” (Carnegie, 1964). This can be proven when babies smile and everybody around them melts. It is the same thing with adults, as long as smiles are genuine. Third principle for people to like you is the simple gesture of remembering the names of the people you meet. It always isn’t a good impression to ask for people’s names the second time around, much more the third.
Remembering names are so important in fact that when you “Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment” (Carnegie, 1964). However, when you forget one name, it will give you a bad impression and will work to your disadvantage. The last three principles of the second part of Carnegie’s work are all connected to each other. First is to “be a good listener and encourage other to talk about themselves”, next is to talk about the other person’s likes and interests and not talk about you.
And the last, is to “make the other person feel important, sincerely”. These three are very important because if you only care about yourself and talk only about what you feel is interesting, and act like you are the only important person in the world, then no one will want to neither talk nor work with you. In fact, no one will even want to see you. Being egotistic and self centered will not do a person any good in this world. (Carnegie, 1964) Part three of dale Carnegie’s book is How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking. Principle one talks about arguments. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”, this is what Carnegie (1964) thinks about arguments. This is very true as, while you think you are good in winning arguments, you will never know when you might find someone who is better than you. And people always admire those who walk away from trouble. To sum the third part up, it simply says that you are to respect the way others think, and acknowledge their opinions. Even though you do not believe in what they are saying, you must let them speak out, because your opinion is not the only important one.
Others should feel like they have a say in things, before they will believe in what you are saying. It is just a matter of reciprocity. “If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? ” (Carnegie, 1964) It is always good to admit your mistakes. Owning up to your mistakes makes people admire you more, and believe that you are actually human. In the same way that you are never to tell someone that they are wrong just because they do not agree to what you think and they have their own opinions.
The first thing that you will need to get from others is respect, and the only way to get that is by showing respect to them first. For the last principles, it just says that in order to get people to believe in the way you think, you must believe in theirs as well. So in conclusion for the third part of the book, it simply means that you have to respect other people’s views, opinions and ideas in order to get them to believe yours as well. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment. This is the last part of Dale Carnegie’s book. Being a leader is never easy.
It may look like the easiest part of a job because you get to tell others to do the job for you. However, more responsibilities come with being a leader, such as all the different decisions that should be made. Carnegie mentions that a leader should develop an attitude that praises and appreciates the people that work for him. Another major thing that leaders should develop is before telling others what they have done wrong, tell something that they have done right first because “It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. ” (Carnegie, 1964).
One more important thing for leaders to do is to “talk about your mistakes before criticizing the other person” (Carnegie, 1964). This is important, as it will not make the others feel so inferior to you as a leader. Leaders should be more humble than the rest because once superiority complex works its way in, the system will stop working. Becoming an example is another one of the most important things that a leader should follow. Encouragements are also one of the best things to do, most especially after some criticisms. I used to believe that I could communicate to others fairly well.
I had a lot of friends and people liked to be around me. But after reading Dale Carnegie’s book, I have realized that I was not that effective and that there are still a lot of areas that I need to improve in. First of all, I criticize, condemn and complain a lot. I lack giving out appreciations as well. Most of the time I am self centered and whenever there are conversations I engage in, I mostly talk about topics that I prefer without even considering whether or not the one I’m conversing with is interested with what we are talking about. I also lack the heart of admitting my mistakes quickly.
I sometimes tell people that they’re wrong directly, even just for not sharing the same opinion as I do. I even have the tendency to always get into arguments, even when I have the chance to avoid or get out of it. I am not comfortable in talking about my mistakes as I feel embarrassed and want to bury them in the past. One of the things that I know I am strong at is remembering a person’s name. Carnegie has mentioned that this will make people feel very important, which means I have made a lot of people important already, just by this gesture.
Although I talk a lot, I make it a point to let others talk as well. I believe I am a good listener, which makes people look for me when they need someone to talk to. I am very free in giving out encouragements, as long as I feel the people are down in whatever they are doing. Even in the littlest improvement a person makes or adjusts, I notice it and give them praise. I give out constructive criticism as well, and is open to taking some for myself from others. So all in all, I have a lot more to work on, even though I have some positive traits that I already carry with me.
Reading on will definitely help me improve in different aspects. I have asked my father, brother and mother to give me a peer analysis in my communication skills and my different ways of dealing with other people. They have more or less the same answers and I will only generalize and summarize the answers that they have given. They have mentioned that I criticize and condemn other people a lot may it be directly or even behind their backs. My brother told me that I judge immediately anything I see that does not pass my so called standards.
Carnegie believes that this should be avoided in order to find more people to like you, to have more friends. One thing that they appreciate about me is that I give a lot of encouragements to people. They feel that this is when I am most effective when dealing with people. Even my father told me that he appreciates it when he sees me encourage different people. He also mentioned that he has seen how this affects the different people I am dealing with, and can see the changes that such encouragements have brought about. My mother mentioned that I do not easily admit my mistakes.
She said that I even reason out to my actions, even if I already know that what I did was wrong. As much as I hate to admit this, it is nothing but the truth. I find it hard for me to say that I was wrong, mostly because of pride. They all agreed to one thing however, and that is I only like to talk about things that I like, and that I do not even ask them what they want to talk about or what they are interested in. This is one of the things Carnegie has mentioned that should not be around when we want to have more friends or when we want people to like us.
Again, I can see that there is a lot of room for improvement when it comes to relationships and communication. The first thing that I want to remove from my negative attitude is the inability to admit when I am wrong or I have made a mistake. I think this is the first thing that would turn other people off from wanting to talk or become friends. I believe for me to be able to do this, I must lower down my pride. This will not be easy, and will take a lot of time. But if I want to improve my lifestyle, then this will definitely have to be the first thing off my negative list.
The next thing I must make a move on is towards removing the act of always criticizing other people. It has almost become automatic for me to do this, as I easily judge people even at the first look or impression. This has cost me a lot of friends and friendships that might have started. I think the way to start taking this negative act from me is by always thinking positively and giving other people a chance- a chance to show their true selves. Being judgmental has always been a problem and will be a bigger problem if I do not act up on it immediately.
Being less self centered and egotistic will be very important if I want to start new and stronger relationships with other people. These are only some of the things that I think I need to change. Dale Carnegie has helped me realize a lot of things. His work has definitely taught me a lot of things; things that are essential in day to day living. After all, no one can live alone. Friends and relationships with people will help us live more harmoniously and Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has taught me how I can have more friends and develop friends a lot easier.
Courtney from Study Moose
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