To remember that it is human experience and moral values that will last forever and remained unchanged, and the growth of human conscience further awakens to a newer and better future experiences are not dropped to mere past rather they become a recollection and a refraction to a discovery of new you. The door: not just a big wooden barrier to the entrance of our house but also an explosion to my emotions. Goodbyes were being said as happy birthdays? It was confusion that began to consume my mind and heart as my parents walked out the door not knowing when I will see them again.
Excitement, happiness and joyfulness flowing along my blood as I began to realize I am alone and everything my eyes spotted belonged to me. Heaven was the chosen word by my desensitized numbness mind. However, a feeling of guilt made this question interrupt my thoughts, `Do I have the right to enjoy this joyful moment of being alone, knowing that my father is going for a battle for his survival? ` As I was climbing the stair case to regain my nest, where all the gatherings and the devious planning of good times were held, I ignored my feeling of guilt and the purpose of my father’s journey and I started thinking, “Hey!
Let the fun begin! ” Little was my knowledge about chance and choice. To the very least, I only knew their denotations. What happened to my father was neither his choice nor of the family but certainly a chance and for what chance it was, I did not know and did not strive to know. I saw everything as a pure chance. With parents’ away and no exact time when to be home; it was a real chance to own my time – a chance to go party everyday, stay up late, go to school late, and skip classes, neglecting the fact that along chances are series of choices and the interplay of the two alongside my treatment determines the quality of my life.
I allowed myself to be fully consumed with the false jollification of life. Partying with friends was a gauge for fulfillment. Shouts and yells became the expression of being fully alive. I was unmindful of my dad who was into a different tone of shouting and yelling for pain and survival. We were at the opposite poles on the single line of human feeling. Instead of reaching out, I moved away. Going to parties everyday meant staying up late at night. It resulted to going to school late and even skipping classes and the rest was a worse, if not worst, history of an irresponsible student and woman.
The chain effects of my single unrecognized and unmeditated act delivered me to a world of guilt and shame and if nourished by pride, I will be lured forever into false happiness. I messed up my life! Where am I to start? Where do I begin? Never can a plant, young or not, die when its branches are cut. Roots have to be found and uprooted. The same is true with my case. What is the root of my insensitivity to my family’s case? Certainly, it wasn’t about going to party, cutting and skipping classes, etc. It was about how I viewed and dealt with what’s going on around.
It was about having certain chances and making the right choices where decision making, anticipating, and understanding come in. True enough, it is only when I failed and committed mistakes that I came to realize: had I thought things over and anticipated before acting, I wouldn’t be this bad and guilty, and had I thought that I have the choice to do what is right and not act on emotional satisfaction and childishness, I wouldn’t be messing my life this way and made my parents disappointed. My life is a chance and how I live it is a choice – its quality is in my hands. How should I live it?
“Wherever you go the sky will always be blue”. This line rang a bell to my ear. Certain things around are given for what they are and neither you nor I have the power to change them. And life is not about changing what we cannot but moving towards what is, for the whole humanity, true and therefore unchangeable. The truth is, what is true and unchangeable aims for ‘what is good’ and what is good surpasses any age, color, time, gender, religion, and whatever differences we have. The whole existence of life should be directed towards ‘doing good’, and its meaning is not our own selfish definition but the one true word – LOVE.
It was sad to admit that I was not excuse for failing to recognize what good I should have done that very moment of my life, but it would be bitter if I continue to dwell in that past and live miserably. While I did that mistake of falling into that dark pit of human existence, I will always have the choice of going out and live life on the banner of goodness and all I need is the staff of caution and discrimination to continue living and making the right choices for every chances that come my way.
To remember that it is human experience and moral values that will last forever and remained unchanged, and the growth of human conscience further awakens to a newer and better future, I will always, not just remember, do good for the rest of my life. Merge the whole of myself in my eyes, and go towards the vision, go towards the vision, go towards the vision.
Courtney from Study Moose
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