Please be aware before you read that if you have already encountered a bear and had your head ripped off then this will be at no help to you and you should stop reading now. To those of you that are reading this for entertainment, I want to ensure you that bear attacks are a serious matter and many of you walk through the woods not knowing what dangers await you. The horrifying truths of the woods start with bear attacks. You may think they are rare now, but in reality bears are large hairy monsters just waiting for a chance to rip your head off and lurk through your trashcans. I hold right here the steps of survival and the tools you will need to not get your head ripped off. If you continue to read then please follow every step accordingly and do not wonder off or skip a step.
The first thing you need to know is the tools to not get your head ripped off by a bear. The first thing you must never forget is a cool head. I am not saying to stick your head into a freezer for one hour and walk around in the woods. A cool head simply means to stay calm. When you see the ferocious bear you will want to run off screaming like a little girl, which will result in you tripping over your own two feet and getting your head ripped off. The second tool you will need is extremely good acting skills.
If you can outsmart your dumbest friend, then you sure can outsmart a bear. If you need some help on your acting I am sure you can go to Books-A-Million and buy Breaking into Acting for Dummies for only about $16.00. The last tool you will need is a new pair of underwear. When even the biggest man faces this beast he will not be able to hold the pee in. Don’t be embarrassed of the new wet spot that surrounds that area, because it is completely normal and we all understand. Some optional tools you might want to consider is a killer right hook and a large, abnormal pet that can eat the bear.
Now that you know the tools of not getting your head ripped off by a bear, you now need to learn the process. You are now walking through the woods and you look to your left and see a large bear. Luckily, he is too busy scratching its butt on the tree to notice you. You need to back away slowly and step very soft upon the leaves crushing underneath your feet. Make sure you also look behind you will walking backwards in case a tree limp inches itself in your way and trips you causing a loud noise.
Once you are out of the bear’s sight, choose a comfy sitting spot and stay put for about thirty minutes. I recommend you singing Baby by Justin Bieber so that the bear knows you are there, and when it chooses to leave and it will most likely avoid you simply because you are singing that song. Also avoid eating at all costs. You may want those sweet and salty peanut butter crackers in your bag, but the bear will smell them and will charge after you wanting the food. This will result in you getting your head ripped off.
If you think that the coast is clear and you are ready to resume your walk, stand up slowly looking around you. I recommend singing Friday by Rebecca Black just to make sure no bear while come within singing distance of you. Even the bears understand how repulsing that song is and will run away crying if the tune even rings in their ears. But even though you sang the song, you are the unlucky person on this day that runs into a bear still. In this particular situation, do not make eye contact.
The bear will take the eye contact as a direct threat to his authority and he will rip your head straight off your body. This time he might even take the opportunity of ripping your arms off as well. Instead, back away from the bear very slowly and speak kind words. For example, try saying that he looks extremely handsome today or maybe try telling him that you are just an innocent person and do not mean any harm. I am sure he can hear everything you say perfectly. Remember to avoid eye contact. Tip: Now would be a great opportunity to make sure you are right with God.
Oh no! The ferocious bear has started charging at you. Whatever you do, do not think you can outrun the bear. He may be 365 pounds of pure meat, but he will chase you down and automatically rip your head off. So the best thing you can do in this situation is to stand perfectly still like you have been frozen solid. When the bear hopefully stops charging, try backing away slowly and singing I Will Survive softly to the bear.
If you have followed all these steps perfectly and for some reason this bear is out to get blood, then quickly curl up in a ball. Protect your head with your arms so that he cannot just swipe your head right off. Now this is when the optional tool of a killer right hook comes in. If you can, try using your special tool and knock that bear right in the nose. He will feel the authority you withhold and walk right on with his business, like catching fish or maybe even attacking another human or their trashcan.
Courtney from Study Moose
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