First of all, I would like to say that you have an overall good paper in my opinion. The first thing that I can suggest is a better hook. My attention wasn’t drawn into the paper. I suggest a quote by a scientist or other survivor, and/or a statistic – something that will make a reader think about the paper more. Another thing that I can recommend is to add a little bit more background on the two narratives, but just very brief (a couple sentences). Also I’d like to point out some things that you could use to improve your thesis. The essay is about “cause and effect” so it has to be mentioned in your thesis. Also mention the 2 things you will compare between the two stories so the reader has an idea where the paper will be going.
Other things I noticed that sounded awkward are the way you used quotes. Introducing quotes is a better strategy than just using the quote as a sentence (paragraph 2) as it gives a better flow and gives a better explanation for your argument. Also in my opinion you could expand more on your analysis of both paragraphs and connect your argument to the thesis and to each other so you have a better evaluation of the discussed topic.
There are several other small issues that I found. In paragraph 3 you used a long quote, which is 4+ lines, and it should be in a block format and indented. Also you used very short sentences such as, “Here are the quotes for the effect.” Using more complex sentences gives a better flow and a more professional look to your essay.
You also had some good things in your essay. You provided very concise summary to inform a reader about the story and point out the most important information. You point. Also you have very good topic sentences introducing the argument of that paragraph. From your topic sentences I was able to know what they paragraph would be about, and you were consistent with it.
After reading your essay and compared it to my own, I figured that I need to include a better summary. I do not give sufficient background information to be enough for my analysis. Junjie, you did a great job at providing accurate citations, great summary and good analysis. However, you could work on expanding your synthesis and evaluation of the argument in your body paragraph. Otherwise, good job.
Courtney from Study Moose
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