In my everyday life, I come across many fears. One of the constant fears is of leaving a negative impact on people with whom I deal on regular basis. These people are not my family members as I have a cocooned family life and I am hundred percent sure of my loved ones’ unconditional support to me always. It is the people like neighbors, peers etc. whose approval I seek the most and fear that they might hold a negative impression of my personality in their minds. This fear affects my everyday life drastically.
Though I make sure that I appear calm and composed in front of others, I feel extremely conscious from within about the way in which I am coming across to people. This means most of my conversations during my interpersonal communications are not spontaneous. I think a lot before speaking as I do not want to hurt any body’s feelings and at the same time I try to safeguard my own self-esteem by being good in the eyes of others. This fear has made me an excellent observer of not only verbal but also non verbal communication.
I am able to observe certain things that everyone cannot. I read eye contacts, different types of smiles, the way one nods ones head, the way one reacts on seeing me, the warmth of the handshake etc. to confirm whether all is well in one’s mind and heart as far as my image is considered. This is a trait that sometimes irritates me as even in informal chats I am always alert and feel that I am on a mission to present myself in the eyes of others as beautifully as possible.
After trying to intrinsically understand this aspect of my personality I have come to a conclusion that I am extremely protective of my self image and would find it really difficult to combat any personal attacks like use of bad words or hurtful gestures as I am vulnerable from within. My fear truly represents my love for being considered a respectable member of the society and being acknowledged by everyone as a wonderful person. Another factor that affects my behavior is the fear of gaining weight. This fear is so strong that whenever I eat something good, I feel guilty of eating it.
I love food but always keep on doing calculations of how many calories I might earn by indulging in satisfying my taste buds. As a result eating is not as much fun as it used to be in my childhood days. A simple activity like eating has become a complicated task for me. Not only this, I spend a substantial amount of time in looking at myself from all angles in the mirror. I want to ensure that I am fit and attractive. As a result I keep on asking my family members whether I look attractive or not. The worst part is that whatever the answer is, I somehow do not believe in it completely.
This means that if some one says that I look great and my figure is good enough, I do not completely believe in him / her as I feel that he / she is saying this just to make me happy. On the other hand if someone points out a little defect in my figure for example slightly large buttocks or thighs etc. , I feel that he / she is being too sarcastic. I start arguing that after all; that does not mar my attractive personality in any way. This behavior of mine has really affected my personal relationships as my near and dear ones are really at their wits end to find out a way of providing an answer that satisfies me.
I know that they love me the way I am and my appearance really does not matter to them much but my overindulgence of making sure that my outward personality is attractive puts them off sometimes and strains the conversations on many occasions. I want to get out of this fear induced behavior but have not gained any success so far. I feel that this behavior again represents how conscious I am of my self image. In addition to my inner qualities I also want to gain praises and acceptance of my appearance and looks.
I want everyone to be mesmerized by my qualities and I am extremely conscious of it always. These two fears represent that I want to be a wonderful person from all aspects. Another fear that affects me and my behavior is the fear of loosing a dear one. I always fear that people whom I love the most might suffer a fatal accident or might get diagnosed with an incurable disease. This fear has affected my behavior a lot. I not only openly shower my love to the people I am close to, but also tell them to be as careful with their health and well being as possible.
I advise them a lot on how to cross the roads, how to drive or how to lead and adopt a healthy lifestyle. This is something that all my family members are aware of but I still keep on reminding them about the negative results of being careless. A positive way in which my behavior has got affected due to my fear is that I have become very cautious with money. I think a lot before spending extravagantly as I feel that money should be saved for hard times like dealing with a loved one’s ill health.
I keep track of all the measures that can be taken to prevent certain common diseases like high / low blood pressure level, high / low cholesterol level, Type 1 / Type 2 diabetes etc. I keep on reading self help books on how to keep oneself fit and keep on insisting to my family members that they should always exercise and take care of their bodies. If they miss out on their daily exercise routine then I let them know my dislike instantly and sometimes even behave rudely with them which puts them off. I try to take things lightly but get very rigid if my loved ones show any sign of being lazy in their health related matters.
I also lecture them a lot on their spending habits and try to make them understand that health is the most important wealth they possess and they should save money for hard times. Thus all the three forms of fear represent the different ways in which I treasure the gift of life that God has bestowed upon me. I want to lead life to the fullest by conserving and taking good care of all the natural assets that I am born with as well as the ones that I have attained through hard work in order to lead a wholesome life in company of my loving family members and approving acquaintances. I fear of parting away from all that I have.