When I found out I was going to be a mother for the first time I had feelings wash over me that I never knew you could feel all at once. Some feelings I suddenly felt I didn’t even know existed until that very moment. Sitting there thinking about having a life inside me to care for and love, yet at the same time thinking I am to young, not ready, under educated, and just plain scared to death. All I knew is I wanted nothing more than to have a child that I have waited for, for so long. While I was expecting I had such dreams of what that blessed event would be like, could be like. I was very guilty of setting my expectations too high for something I knew absolutely nothing about.
Being a first time mother who had read every conceivable magazine, book, and internet web site on the subject of giving birth I considered myself to be an expert. It was about the same time as the first labor pains started that I forgot everything I had ever read in my entire life; not just everything I had ever read about giving birth. During the lulls between the hours of labor pains I would still imagine what my child would be like.
At that very moment when I went into labor (August 4, 1995) with my daughter Kaitylyn, all that seemed unimportant. The only thing that matter was seeing my daughter and holding her for the very first time! I first saw her face while I was delivering her and I remember her little lip quivering right before she cried her first cry. At that very moment I felt a peace with her and I wash over me and all I wanted was to take my daughter and hold her forever. When they took and placed my daughter in my arms I could not speak nor could I do anything, but look into that little face and be amazed at the miracle lying in my arms.
Then the feelings started washing over me all at once fast and fleetingly. First came love which never went away and I know never will! After came fear which, was quickly replaced by determination. Determination that I would make the best life for her that I could. Then came joy! Joy that my little girl had all ten toes and fingers and was doing great. Then came overwhelming feelings that even now I can’t find the one term to categorize them in. Feelings of pure wonderment, pride, and motherly love are the only way I can ever explain.
Looking into those little brown eyes knowing we would be just fine that life had just begun, for not just her, but also for me. I was a mother and her life depended on mine. I was unafraid. I knew deep in my heart this child was a fresh start in life and that I was strong enough, determined enough to make sure we could take on life.
Now sixteen years later I know that becoming a mother for the first time can be the hardest thing in the world. Now at thirty eight years old I have three children and it is clear to me that not all the feelings of becoming a mother for the first time go away after the first time! I still have feelings that I had then like fear, hope, and yes the second guessing my choices. However, seeing the young adult my daughter has become lets me know WE WOULD BE FINE!
Courtney from Study Moose
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