Its strange how memories of the past can be so terrifying. The thoughts and the occurring dreams are always similar. I would remember longing for a summer where the summers light would beam on my body with the warmth of the sun. Winter was worse because I was terrified by the cold thick air that I would inhale inside my thin body until it feels I was shivering to death. The feeling of being alone , I couldn’t even sleep at night without being terrified; not because of being alone , but knowing my life would dwell with no hope for me for the future. I would see paranormal faces of my father. The haunting face would stare at me with such gentle eyes , yet sad. It’s like he was watching over me.
Years ago when I had a family, loving yet annoyingly humorous in a family sense that I miss. We were having dinner with the family with just me , my mother and father. My mother was preparing the food and my father was coming home from work. However he never came back and my mother was worried and panicked. I was still too naïve to understand the situation fully back then. Hell I don’t even know how old I am anymore since I’ve lost track of time. I cried at first because my mother was always the strong type in the family. It was the first time I’ve seen her cry and the emotions inside of me wanted me to cry with her. He never came back and the authority’s told us he went missing. He was the provider of the family and we were financially unstable.
My mother had to look for work , so she left to the city. She told me she would call me when she would be back. Once she left , the people who collects debt knocked on my door and seized the house. I had no place to go and so I left to find shelter and food. I got hired a job in a local newspaper agency to hand out flyers to neighbour streets. It was so cold but I never gave up hoping my mother would come back and take care of me. She couldn’t take me with her because she could only afford enough for herself to travel. We lived in a small town surrounded by snow somewhere in the upper regions of South Korea.
One day while I was sleeping in the corner of the streets. A man walked pass with a white hat and apron with a grin on his cheeks. He looked at me for a couple of minutes. I was scared so I didn’t look back at him out of fear. I hear footsteps coming towards me and I was about to run. He asked “Why are you out in the streets alone at your age? , How old are you?”. I replied in a low voice ‘I don’t know”. He had a strange look on his face and asked me where my guardians was. I replied to him that I don’t know either. He asked me more questions which I all replied “I Don’t know”.
I looked up and saw his face. He was a old man with a beard and had a stick on him which looked like it was supporting him move. It was a silent cold night and I’m not sure why he would be walking around at this time. He asked if I would like to work at his restaurant with cleaning and get paid for it.
With nothing to lose I gladly accepted his offer. He took me to his place , it didn’t seem what he said it was. The restaurant looked like a dump and I only saw girls on the front door outside of the restaurant wearing what looked like beach clothing in cold weather. I was suspicious but I had nowhere to go and I didn’t know the way back from here. I followed the old man and he took me into a small room with 10 other children. At first I thought he was taking care of us until there was only girls in the room coming in and out one by one with a man. This isn’t a restaurant I suspected. I was disgusted and tried to leave but they didn’t let me leave.
Pushing and crying to get out. They pulled me back , held both my hands and chucked me into a room by myself and locked the doors. Suddenly someone said *Calm down or they will punish you*. I stoped and looked for the source of the sound. The room had a little vent which leads to the other rooms. I whispered to the girl “What is this place” in a panicking voice. She told me it was a brothel where everyone gets kidnapped and rape for money by strangers. I asked her I was a male, “what do they want from me?” She told me she doesn’t know either.
I didn’t want to find out , my life was already crumbling and now this. There was a medicine cabinet inside the room. I searched inside and found sleeping pills , I remember taking these when I lived with my parents. I could never sleep so the doctor prescribed me sleeping pills.
I tried to sleep but I couldn’t out of the fear what was going to happen to me. I suggested to myself I should take these pills and ease things. I took the bottle of medicine from the cabinet.
One wasn’t enough for me so I thought. I took more and more until I was feeling dizzy. I counted how many times and how much I’ve taken. But I lost count and started again. I needed more and I needed my peaceful slumber. I was scared to think what was going to happen and kept taking more and more pills until I could feel the bottom of the container. My body begins to weaken and I could no longer feel my fingers. My eyelids begin to shutdown. Soon darkness was all I could see , I felt a hollowing in a room with darkness and suspended in time. Forgive me mother I love you.
Courtney from Study Moose
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