Our policy at SMARTHINKING is not to correct or edit student writing. Working from higher- to lower-order concerns, we offer teaching points and, on a limited basis, model potential revisions. We know that we cannot deal with every question, problem, or error in a paper, so we prioritize our time accordingly. 2. In this tutoring simulation, you should provide revision advice to the following sample student essay. This student is responding to a literary analysis assignment. Please read the “Writer Submission Form” (below) and respond to the essay in approximately 30 MINUTES.
3. Please make substantive comments about higher order concerns (e. g. , strengths, thesis, development, organization) in the tutor response form that follows the essay. Provide feedback for “Strengths of the Paper,” 3 of the 9 “Points” (areas of assistance), and “Summary of Next Steps. ” 4. Please embed in the body of the student’s essay approximately five comments about some of the major higher-order and lower-order concerns (e. g. , grammar and mechanics) you noted in the essay. Please embed these comments [in bold and brackets]. 5. At the end of each simulation, please log your time for completing each tutorial.
Writer Submission Form Name: Bob King Instructor: Professor Hart Department: English Course: English: 200 BRIEFLY DESCRIBE THE ASSIGNMENT Write an analytical essay (3-4 pages in length). You are to analyze the argument of any work read in Module1 and relate it to the idea of the progress of humanity. Then, restate the work’s thesis and explain how that thesis is argued and with what evidence it is supported. You must analyze the position defended in the work and offer your own judgment on it. WHAT HELP DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR OWL TUTOR? Hi – I need a lot of help with my main idea. And I need to expand my paper a lot.
Basically, I want to say that women hampered men in Candide because when men fall in love it causes problems. I don’t really know if I am answering the question or not – the whole thing sort of confuses me. I don’t know if my argument is clear – please help with that. And please help me expand my paper. I need to get to 4 pages – and I don’t know how to make it longer. I think this whole assignment is really pretty stupid. And my teacher is so picky. So, I just need general help. Voltaire’s Men and Women In Candidate, a satire written by Voltaire, women hampered the progress of men. Their love for women cause men their hardships.
Cunegonde and Madame de Parolignac impeded Candide and Paquette plagued Pangloss. An example of women impeding mens’ progress is seen when Candid’s yearning for Miss Cunegonde leads to a kiss between the two. The result of this kiss was Candide being kicked out of his home, thus, beginning his hardships. [It would be better if you added a signal phrase before your quotations and broke them down. However, if you want to use an entire block quotation, you should indent the entire quotation like so:] “Candide, ejected from the earthly paradise, wandered for a long time without knowing where he was going, weeping.
raising his eyes to heaven, and gazing back frequently on the most beautiful of castles which contained the most beautiful of Baron’s daughter. ” (Voltaire 3) Pangloss, like Candide, experienced several misfortunes because of his being sexually attracted to women, namely one women [woman, singular, don’t forget to proofread your work] Paquette. She used her charm and sex appeal to attract Pangloss. Sex with Paquette contaminated Pangloss with a societal disease which led him to become disfigured, losing an eye and the tip of his nose.
“In her arms I tasted the delights of paradise, which directly caused these torments of hell, from which I am now suffering” (V-8). [I am assuming you are using MLA in-text citation, this is incorrect, either maintain the name-page format or just use the page for subsequent citations. i. e. just (8)] Candide was also attracted to other women besides Cunegonde who caused him to digress [Digress from what? You should rethink your word choices. ] One of these women was Madame de Parolignac. After Candide returned from Eldorado where he had attained wealth, he met Madaem de Parolignac and was sexually attracted to her.
Madame de Parolignac on the other hand was attracted to Candide’s diamonds and she used sex to persuade them into her ownership. “the beauty who had seen two enormous diamonds on the two hands of her young friend, praised them so sincerely that from the fingers of Candide they passed over to the fingers of the marquise. ” (V-53) Women have caused men to compromise their homes, money, and health as is the case with Candide and Pangloss for loving them thus causing impeding upon men’s progress, especially that of Candide and Pangloss.
[This is rather redundant. You should make a short conclusion regarding the work first, restating your thesis, then expand into the larger context of “men” in general] TUTOR RESPONSE FORM Hi (writer’s name). I’ve read your paper and here are some points you might want to think about as you revise your paper. STRENGTHS OF THE PAPER: You are headed in the right direction. You have isolated your thesis; you stated that the theme in Voltaire’s work is that women impede the progress of men and make them miserable.
This is a good starting point. You also have a good grasp of the content of the reference text from what I can see because you have many good examples to further your point. POINTS TO THINK ABOUT AS YOU REVISE YOUR PAPER [Tutor: Choose 3]: Main idea/Thesis – You have only answered one of the prompts in the assignment. First, you should state the main idea in the reference work and its significance to humanity; in this case, for example, the significance is that the superficial battle of the sexes hinders progress.
Then, you state how this main idea was supported; this is when you bring out your excellent examples from the text. Next, you have to give your own judgment on the matter; whether you agree or disagree with what Voltaire was trying to say with his work. Although you have a solid enough thesis, it is rather one-dimensional, so this part is where you get to expand that idea and give your own input. One example is that instead of focusing on how the mere presence of the women ruined these men, you could discuss how the men allowed themselves to be so easily manipulated by the women.
Another suggestion is to give a lesson one can take away from the work, something like how if men and women cease trying to manipulate each other all the time, such sexuality-based degradation of society could be avoided. Quotations -As I have noted in your draft, your quotations need a little work. You should review your formatting guidelines when it comes to in-text citation, especially subsequent citations of the same work. Furthermore, while your quotations are well chosen, it is not a very good idea to just place them in your work without much context.
Not only is it unattractive, it disrupts the flow of your paper. It is best to add a signal phrase before the quotation, such as: Regarding his affliction, Pangloss said “….. ” The more seamlessly you can integrate your quotes (remember, it has to make sense), the better. A good idea is to paraphrase the quotes and add just the vital part into your sentence. Introduction/Conclusion -Your introduction needs to be extended. You should introduce the work you are discussing, give a little background information on it.
Assume that the reader is only vaguely familiar with the work; so, in the introduction, you can give a summary of the satire. To extend this even more, you can save the summary for the second paragraph of the paper and begin the introduction with a tangential discussion of the age-old battle of the sexes such as common opinions, implications, etc. before leading to Voltaire’s work and idea. After you state your understanding of Voltaire’s piece, you should try to integrate your opinion into your thesis statement. Whichever way you decide, the thesis of your paper should be clearly recognizable in your introduction.
As for your conclusion, you should briefly and clearly restate your thesis and your most significant points. You can end with a generalization of the implications of the work such as an answer to “Now that you are aware of the problem stated in the work, what can you do about it? ” Summary of next steps (E-structor: let student know what he/she should consider when revising this essay. ) Your main problem is that you are having trouble extending the paper to 4 pages. However, since you have only answered one of the questions in the prompt, answering all the other questions will no doubt help you reach your goal.
Remember: Voltaire’s main idea, its significance to humanity, how it was supported in the text (citations), and what you think about it (yay or nay? ) and why. Format your introduction and conclusion better; you start by easing your reader to better accept your ideas and you end by wrapping up your major points and giving your reader something to think about. Lastly, do not forget to proofread your paper, I have found some errors regarding word choice as well as the errors regarding the in-text citations. You are on the right track, you just need to explore your original ideas a little further, and form an opinion on the subject.
Completion Time: Simulation B Directions 1. Our policy at SMARTHINKING is not to correct or edit student writing. Working from higher- to lower-order concerns, we offer teaching points and, on a limited basis, model potential revisions. We know that we cannot deal with every question, problem, or error in a paper, so we prioritize our time accordingly. 2. In this tutoring simulation, you should provide revision advice to the following sample student essay. This student is responding to a prompt to write about how computers affect students and teachers, based on classroom discussions and homework readings.
Please read the “Writer Submission Form” (below) and respond to the essay in approximately 30 MINUTES. 3. Please make substantive comments about higher order concerns (e. g. , strengths, thesis, development, organization) in the tutor response form that follows the essay. Provide feedback for “Strengths of the Paper,” 3 of the 9 “Points” (areas of assistance), and “Summary of Next Steps. ” 4. Please embed in the body of the student’s essay approximately five comments about some of the major higher-order and lower-order concerns (e. g. , grammar and mechanics) you noted in the essay.
Please embed these comments [in bold and brackets]. 5. At the end of each simulation, please log your time for completing each tutorial. Writer Submission Form Name: Ana Nasif Instructor: Professor Lynn Department: English Course: ESOL 052 Due: 1 week BRIEFLY DESCRIBE THE ASSIGNMENT In the past two weeks, we have read and discussed three articles that presented very favorable views of how computers can be used in education. Now think about the readings, and about your own experiences and observations, and write an essay that suggests some ways in which the use of computers can create problems for teachers and students.
Your essay must follow the plan presented in the handout “Form for an Essay. ” To achieve the complexity of thought expected in ESOL 052, your body paragraphs will probably have to contain seven or eight sentences each. All essays must be typed and double-spaced. WHAT HELP DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR OWL TUTOR? Please help me be sure that my papers is written the way my teacher is asking. Do I have complex thoughts? Are my paragraphs full enough. Is my English ok? ESOL 052 PAPER 3 Ana Nasif ESOL 052 16 April, 2001 COMPUTER’S PROBLEMS IN EDUCATION
Computers, wonderful invention, are creating problems now. [Please proofread your paper, most of your sentences have grammar problems. Like this first one, the main problem is that they are not complete sentences] Computers are causing problems in education because of their use in different ways: un-even use, use of computer games, use of the internet. Computers are useful and advanced technology of this century, but they are producing three main problems in the field of education. The most important problem is the gap between the educational standard of students.
Another problem is that computers have diverted the mind of children and young people. The other problem is the danger of no colleges or schools in the future. In this essay I will discuss these problems, and suggest how they can be solved. [You need a stronger thesis, try to incorporate all three points into one main thesis. Such as “Despite the many advantages of computers, three main problems in the field of education can be attributed to computer use: creating an educational gap between students, diverting the minds of young people, and causing actual schools to become obsolete in the future.
“] As the education by computers is not available to all students of cities and towns, so it creates a gap of achievement between students of the same country. The problem in not only at the schools, but also at the colleges and universities. Students of small colleges do not have the facility of computers [Do you mean they do not have the funding to have good computer facilities? Again, awkward word choices. ], so they face difficulties in their study. However, the students having the access of computers can get reliable information about their subjects easily.
When the students appear in any competitive test or examination, the difference creates a big problem for them. Blind and visually impaired students are unable to use a computer without a special equipment. The equipment is expensive and everyone cannot afford it. It may be creating a sense of inferiority complex. Computerized video games are very popular among the children and young people now. They play these games for several hours in a week, so wasting their valuable time. Because of the intensive interest they do not pay full attention to their study.
They cannot concentrate well at schools or colleges, so their ability, test scores and grades are gradually decreasing. As they became less active, so they are not physically fit as other of the same age few decades before. Some colleges are providing few courses to their students at homes on the internet now. There is a prediction of no colleges, universities and no more schools in the next century. It is the fact that the first school of child is his/her home, but the education of a school is mandatory. Computers cannot solve the basic problems of the students at schools.
In school, besides the better education students also learn social ways of life: work in groups, manners of communication, participate with other fellows, and various rules and regulations. These things help them in the practical life. The teaching of students accomplished in years. I suggest that these problems can be solved with great efforts. [Word choice problem. In this context, i think you mean “effort” not efforts. Such as when when you mean schoolwork, you should use “their studies” instead of “their study”] The use of computers in education should be equal to all students.
The students should be motivated toward their study and advised to play for the short time after completing their homework. I also suggest that parents should supervise their young children, who are watching program on the internet, because it provides a wide range of program on crimes and sex. In my view a school or college education is more helpful for students, as their difficulties of various subjects cannot be solved at homes. [End with a good conclusion that restates your thesis and wraps up your main points.
You could add a comment on how people should consider the disadvantages as well as the advantages of excessive computer use. ] TUTOR RESPONSE FORM Hi (writer’s name). I’ve read your paper and here are some points you might want to think about as you revise your paper. STRENGTHS OF THE PAPER: You make some good points in your paper. Your three main disadvantages are valid and they do answer the prompt given by your teacher. Your basic structure is solid; introduction with thesis, the three different disadvantages in separate paragraphs, conclusion. POINTS TO THINK ABOUT AS YOU REVISE YOUR PAPER [Tutor: Choose 3]:
Paragraph Unity -You make many good points in each of your paragraphs. However, the flow of ideas within each paragraph need some work. Instead of writing an easy-flowing paragraph with a single idea, your paragraphs seem like you are simply checking off different ideas from a list and putting them together in paragraph form. Each sentence in a paragraph should relate to the one before it and the one after it; they should flow. For each of the body paragraphs, you should start with a topic statement, follow with supporting statements, and conclude.
If you have many different ideas, it is best to actually list them out, using words like “first, secondly, furthermore, also, lastly. ” You could also make use of transition words such as “However, in contrast, whereas, etc. ” for related but contrasting ideas. Transitions -I noticed that you did not try to ease the transitions between your paragraphs. Your essay should flow freely and not jump from one idea to another. Because you deal with three different ideas for each of your essays, one thing you can do is start each paragraph by stating the disadvantage the paragraph is talking about.
For example: 2nd paragraph, “Because computers can be very helpful when applied to education, an imbalance is created between those who can afford to use computers in their studies and those who cannot”; 3rd paragraph, “Next, because computers offer so much in the realm of entertainment beside school help, they could become great distractions instead of being great helps”; 4th paragraph, “Lastly, with the rise of computer use and online courses, traditional schools may disappear someday. ” These are just suggestions, but each sentence introduces the new topic as a continuation of the previous discussion.
Sentence Structure -The sentence structures in your paper need some work. Though you do have some grammar issues, the main problem is that your sentences are too awkward. Most of the problem lies in the word choices, such as the use of “facilities of computers” and “access of computers” instead of “computer facilities” and “computer access,” respectively. You should try to read your sentences aloud and listen to yourself; if some sentences sound halting and awkward, change them. It would be better, however, to consult a writing clinic or have someone to listen to you read your paper.
Summary of next steps (E-structor: let student know what he/she should consider when revising this essay. ) The main problems with the essay are the grammar and the sentence construction. However, those are just syntax issues that you can work on as you proofread, whereas the ideas are solid. You need to work on the flow of your ideas. The paragraphs should make sense as your reader moves from one paragraph to another. Within the paragraph, you should work at letting your ideas flow better with each other.
They should all make sense together, instead of being just different sentences with related ideas. One thing you can do to make your essay more personal, and to fill in the gaps between different ideas is to add personal insights and experience in the paper. From the prompt, I understand that your experiences as well as your class work and lessons are valid sources. You should draw on these ideas to make your professor know you participate in class. Also, because your introduction is rather awkward, instead of just saying “Computers, wonderful invention, are creating problems now.
” You could begin by saying “Computers have changed many things in our everyday lives. Many of those changes have been advantageous. For example,… ” You can begin with some of the advantages of computer use that you learned in class. Then you can say “Despite all these advantages of computers, however, the increasing role that computers play in people’s lives also have disadvantages. ” Remember, your good ideas will not reach the reader if he is bombarded with too many of them like a list; improve the flow of your essay. Completion Time: